What the Hell is Beaning?

Today’s kids are fucking strange. Back when I was in high school, we used to teepee houses for fun. Nowadays, teens are swapping out toilet paper for cans of baked beans and dumping them on people’s front doorsteps in the middle of the night. This new trend, aptly dubbed ‘beaning,’ has gained popularity over TikTok, and is quite possibly the most vile thing to arise from the social media app in recent weeks.

Grocery cashiers beware, if you see a teen attempting to purchase an obscene amount of baked beans, do the right thing and notify the authorities. I don’t know what sick, underdeveloped, prepubescent mind first started the beaning trend, but this has gotta stop. There can be nothing worse than leaving for work in the morning, only to step in a pile of cold and slimy pintos. Are eggs and toilet paper not cool anymore? I swear these children have no respect for those who came before them, slandering the reputation of good pranksters with a can of Bush’s Sweet Heat Baked Beans in the name of utter chaos.

Since beaning is a TikTok trend, odds are it will lose steam after a week or two and we can go back to living in a society free of bean-dumping menaces. If that’s the case, beaning victims will likely go down as forgotten martyrs in a world of clout-chasing pranksters. Then again, there is a chance that rather than halting altogether, beaning will evolve into something far more sinister. With the way that society and humor are these days, it’s not hard to imagine a world where kids make family-sized portions of chili, just to launch at people’s houses, or dump over their heads as they walk out the door. However, that’s not a world I want to live in. If you or a loved one has been a victim of a beaning crime, please tell the police and help stop this movement in its tracks. Your community will be forever grateful, and our children can grow up in a world