There Should be Adult Snapple Facts

Remember when you were a kid and you decided to grab a Snapple from the store to refresh yourself? Me neither, I honestly hated drinking those glorified tea drinks. That being said I did grab a Snapple or two in my day simply to read the facts that were printed on the inside of the cap. Even back when I was a kid I remember thinking these facts are for children. Now as an adult the only reason I’d buy a Snapple is now way out of date given kids facts no longer interest me. So how should the company rebrand itself for its more mature audience? Adult Snapple facts, my friends.

Rather than reading about how long the average dream lasts, how about we learn about the average dick size in the U.S.? If I know anything about average dong length it would be around 2.5 inches. At least in my house that’s average. But in all seriousness the facts should be something adults can learn from. I don’t care about when the pyramids of Egypt were built, tell me about how JFK was still alive when he was brought to the hospital after being shot in the head. Crazy, adult shit like that will make me wanna buy a whole damn case of Snapples just to read the caps.

Even cocktail recipes would be a great move for the cap facts. Different variations on how to make a margarita, or even a “spiked” Snapple would be a major PR move for the dying brand. If you’re from Snapple or known somebody who is, send them this article and get me a job as head of marketing at Snapple and I promise the next time you crack open the cap on one of those bad boys you’ll learn a crazy adult fact you probably didn’t need to know.