The Ultimate Guide to Tipping

We live in this stupid, messed up, American society where tipping on every purchase (food, service, literally anything) has become the norm. I have a ton of respect for everyone in the service industry. Believe me, I know how hard it is dealing with horrible customer after horrible customer for hours and hours on end and they should 1,000% be compensated with a lil sumptin’ extra to express gratitude, especially when the service was actually exceptional. Hell, I even almost tipped a lifeguard when he rescued my buddy out of the ocean one time. But a huge part of tipping has now become having the person you’re tipping see that you’re tipping them. Like if you’re ever at a coffee shop and you feel like the service was good enough where you have to tip, you better be damn sure the cashier turns around and sees you tipping, or else it was a completely wasted tip. Didn’t even happen. You might as well not have tipped. Getting noticed for tipping is honestly now more important than actually tipping.

But now it’s creeping into employees not necessarily in the “service” industry. Some of you all are just getting plain greedy and asking for tips in shops where there’s absolutely no business tipping anyone. Like seriously, I’ll be at the hardware store buying some nails and they’ll whip that register screen around and I’m like “wait, what am i tipping you for?” The most egregious example was at one of those self serve frozen yogurt places. I pumped all the flavors, I drizzled all the toppings, and the cashier at the end had the nerve to ask me to tip him!

Oh God, it’s the absolute worst when you’re getting something “to-go” and they flip that little screen around on the counter so you can press how much you want to include in the already exorbitant price of whatever you’re buying (if the store/cafe has a white, sleek Square register, you know it’s bougie as fuck).

I do not think the people working behind the counters at Starbucks or most coffee shops/ice cream places should receive a tip, by the way. You’re either a cashier punching in my order or you’re a barista making my order, both of which are services you get paid for. Unless you’re bringing it to my table or giving me an extra pastry or drink on the house, there’s no reason at all to tip you. But now, these stupid touch screen “add your own tip” readers practically guilt you into it. And then when you don’t (exactly like you wouldn’t if that screen wasn’t there) you now have to deal with the horrible service and look of utter disdain you get when you don’t tip them, despite there not being a specific “requirement” that you actually have to tip them.

So here’s my guide to tipping people who put in the work and actually should be tipped.

Waiters/Waitresses– I’m generous guy. As long as the service wasn’t horrendous, 20% flat is always is my go to. Although I do love when they pre include the gratuity for large parties. Takes the onus off me to be so generous.

Housekeepers – If these ladies are coming in your room every day… making your bed, tidying up and having to deal with your stank, at least $5 per day.

Bartenders – $1 per drink is my general rule of thumb. Also, if you know you’re going to be at that bar/club for a while (or at least the rest of the night), then you also know there’s a strong chance you’re going to be seeing that bartender over and over again. So maybe be extra nice and throw an extra chunk of change right up front so that they’ll remember you first when that bar is ever so crowded with mouth breathing, sweaty imbeciles just crowding around the drink station for another VodkaCran. The bartender will surely know who to take care of first.

Bellhops – $1 per bag, standard. Unless it’s one of those bougie bags without wheels- then spot the fella a little more. $1 for every pound over 50.

Caddies – depends on the round (and how nice the country club is). $100 per bag is standard, but if you’re a Billionaire, throw the scrawny, pimple-faced caddy another Benjamin. It’s not like he’s gonna spendit all on weed and four loko and oh wait that’s exactly what he’s going to spend it on.

Barbershop – usually $4-$5. this one’s tricky because nine times out of ten, you’re probably gonna wind up seeing this guy again (he is your regular barber, after all). Because the horrible thing is, if he does a great job one time and a terrible cut the next, you gotta tip him the same.

Uber drivers – It’s soooo hard because I want to tip them, they’re usually very nice people. But picture this, it’s been a long night, you’ve been at the club and you’re just itching to get back to your place. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing your Uber take you home for a cool $11.67. Then you and your blacked out ass get home and forget about that ride entirely… Until the next time you open up your Uber app and it asks you to rate your last ride with Reuben. You’ll give him five stars because he got you home in one piece and the car was clean, etc. And then it asks if you want to “Add a tip” for his service. And usually… unfortunately, it’s a no. I’m sorry Reuben, no matter how wonderful your ride was… you’re yesterday’s endeavor and now, I’m living in the present. Unless a fellow rider was particularly egregiously behaved, or the driver was an outstanding, noteworthy human being, I usually won’t wind up tipping an Uber driver. And I feel super guilty about it because, well, you’ll never have to face them again. They come into your life for a brief, GPS curated trip and and then poof, bye bye forever. And the unfortunate fact is that it’s so much easier to not tip someone knowing you’ll never have to see them again. Sad, but it’s true.

Uber Eats drivers – This is also a very tough one because it’s usually done beforehand and if you don’t throw in a nice tip on the app, then your nuggets are just going to be sitting on the “no-tip” rack at Chick-Fil-A. So at this point you’re not even tipping as a reward for good service, you’re just paying more as an incentive to get the service you’re already paying for. Kinda fucked but hey, it’s the world we live in. Also, I’m already paying $44.73 for a chicken sandwich combo to be delivered to my door. I’m going to have to take out a second mortgage just so I can tip the guy.

Valet – depends on the car. anything pre 2010, $1-$2 (clearly these people aren’t rolling in it). A 2020 Maserati, you better post up at least a Hamilton.

If there’s anyone else I’m leaving out let me know how in the comments below.