Try to imagine yourself in the following situation. You wake up like any other day. You’re getting low on food, so you hop in your car and head to the supermarket. You don’t particularly enjoy the mundane task of grocery shopping, but your stomach is beckoning for you to restock the pantry. Once in the store, you enter the frozen aisle to grab one of your favorite late-night snacks: pizza rolls. As you grab a bag, you feel something squish between your fingers. It is at this moment that panic begins to set in. You turn your hand over, realizing that you’ve become the butt-end of one of the vilest tricks in the book – the old shit in the frozen section prank.
Unfortunately for Oklahoma resident, Shirley Wright-Johnson, this situation was all too real. While shopping for groceries on Wednesday the 15th, Shirley was struck with a crappy surprise while trying to buy her kids some Totino’s pizza rolls. When confronted by news outlets, Shirley stated how she felt both “disgusted” and “violated” by the incident. Truthfully, who can blame her? Contracting dookie-fingers from a frozen food bag has got to be a certified day ruiner.
Following Shirley’s revelation, police officers utilized grocery store surveillance footage to get a look at the pizza roll pooper. While the suspect’s name will only be publically released if charges are pressed, police have apprehended a man who they believe to be the culprit. Reportedly, the individual was also taking pictures of women throughout the store, and authorities believe he probably had an itchy ass while doing it. A situation like this really makes you wonder about this menace to society’s mental chemistry. After all, the man was so down on his luck that he thought taking a deuce on some Totino’s would be a solid idea. In quoting Alfred Pennyworth from The Dark Night, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.”