I got soft during the pandemic. I got so soft. I became happy and complacent with a lot of things just to be able to see the bright side of life. Oh… I guess I’m happy about this shitty burrito because hey, at least it’s better than dying of Covid. I very much became of the mentality of “we’re all going through this shitty thing together… why can’t I just let other people enjoy life and be happy?” But now that Covid’s over and we’re back and better than ever, I gotta sharpen my edge sword again. People shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy garbage that is objectively stupid. I gotta stop being so complacent with things that actually, realistically suck.
Fuck swimmers, and while we’re at it, fuck bikers. Both are nonsensical modes of transportation and activity. Pools should only be used to drink next to on a summer’s day. I’ve always hated bicyclists, so this is nothing new.
Fuck “happy birthday” Instagram story reposts. What is the point? Are you so hungry for self validation you need everyone to know when someone reaches out to you publicly to wish you the bare minimum on your birthday? You really want to tell someone happy birthday and want it to mean something? Grow up and call them, like an adult. Not everything has to function as self-serving clout, you asshole.
Fuck when newscasters dress casually on TV- You’re being broadcast as a face and a representative to the general public and you chose to dress like it’s fucking casual Friday everyday? You have a “formal job”, dress formally. For God’s sake, is it that hard to throw on a jacket and tie Mr. Newsman?!?! Have some pride in how you present yourself on air. Newsflash: you’re not working from home. Dress like it. And isn’t there someone who’s full time job is is to dress you and make sure you don’t look like a fucking asshole? You’re paid to be on TV… why in the world are you wearing a black dress shirt like a fucking catering hall waiter? And while we’re on this topic, fuck cable news in general. It’s not even news, it’s just commentary regargling the same fucking points spewed by whoever is in their pocket over and over again.
Fuck paper straws – I’ve never been a fan. They fall apart and cause me more frustration than help they could ever do for the environment. I would rather every turtle on this planet choke and die on a plastic straw than me ever having to use a paper straw again. You know what I interact with more than turtles on a daily basis? My iced coffee that I can’t drink now because the straw disintegrated forty minutes ago.
Fuck Instagram influencers. Who the fuck are you to think you’re so damn important that other people care what you have to say? Just shut up and drink your detox tea, then throw it up again, you anorexic fuck.
Fuck unseasoned food. Life’s too short for no flavor.
Fuck cryptocurrency nerds – enjoy your house of cards collapsing in twenty years when the world realizes your entire 401k is backed up by the same shit that sent Circuit City bankrupt.
Fuck overpriced drinks at bars – $16 for a cocktail?!?! Please, this is a fucking Bowlero.
Whoooo. Felt good to get some edge back. Need a dash of some daily pessimism in my life.