The Great Snake Escape! Law Enforcement Struggles to Find a Python Loose in the Mall of Louisiana

That’s right folks, as of Tuesday, July 6th, a Burmese python named Cara has escaped her enclosure in the Blue Zoo, located within the Mall of Louisiana in Baton, Rouge. While firefighters and zoo staff search for the runaway reptile, let us revel in how ridiculous this situation really is.

First of all, what the hell is this zoo doing inside a mall? Has anyone ever gone shopping and thought, “You know what would be nice right now? Staring into the soulless eyes of a friggen python.” Then again this is Louisiana we’re talking about, and I’m pretty sure folks down there are far too comfortable with prehistoric monstrosities wandering through their neighborhoods. The Mall has remained open, while the zoo is temporarily shut down for search and retrieval. The Blue Zoo’s managers ‘think’ the snake is within zoo premises, but can you imagine some poor soul in Forever 21 shuffling through a rack of cardigans only to have one of her or her fingers bitten off?

To me, this sounds like some sort of wizardry. How do we know that some little Harry Potter-looking fellow didn’t make a bargain with the snake and release it from its glass prison? After all, Cara the python is used for children’s shows at the Blue Zoo, and maybe some sort of magical connection was made while all of the other snakes hissed in envy.

In all actuality though, the snake will likely be found within the next few hours. That is unless it escapes the mall, grows in size, and ravages its nonnative ecosystem like countless other invasive species in the American Southeast. Godspeed snake searchers, godspeed.