The Cheesecake Factory is disgusting

Ahh The Cheesecake Factory, America’s favorite mukbang destination. Ever wanted to eat a week’s worth of shitty food in between cheesey Egyptian Pillars…? Well, unfortunately, The Cheesecake Factory is the place for you.

Honestly, once in a while, I’ll have the extremely occasional fast-food burger, but usually, I try to avoid chain restaurants at all costs. So when someone brought up, “let’s get dinner at the Cheesecake Factory! Everyone in the group can find something they like!” I was immediately trying to steer the dinner plans or come up with a reason to “not be able to make it.” Any restaurant where “everyone can find something they like” is an abhorrence to food. Any restaurant that has a menu that is spiral bound and reads like a 42 page novel should be immediately struck from any restaurant suggestion conversation. Unless you’re a child or just a trashy person… variety like that shouldn’t be celebrated. It should be shamed to the depths of hell. Why would I ever go to a place where I can get Fish & Chips and Fettuccine Carbonara? Just because a place has range, does not mean it has depth. And not only is the food not good, it’s smothered in so much butter, grease and fat, to make it taste edible. Let’s take a look at some of the worst offenders.

A bowl of pasta and red sauce shouldn’t be that bad, right? WRONG. An order of the Pasta Napoletana is 2,480 calories. Wanna enjoy a healthy dessert after a great meal? Well, one slice of CARROT CAKE alone is 1,720 calories. Jesus Christ. With all those extra calories you’d be able to run from here to Italy, get a real bowl on Pasta Napoletana, and then run back.

With a name like “Cinnamon Roll Pancakes” you can’t really expect it to be healthy. But you shouldn’t also expect it to be absolutley disasterous to your overall health! One order clocks in at 2,040 calories, just over the 2,000 recommended by the FDA for an average adult to consume in an entire day!

Trying to eat healthy with a salad? Swing and a miss… the “health-conscious” chicken and avocado salad actually rings in at 1,830 calories. If you’re trying to be healthy, the safest thing you can do at The Cheesecake Factory, is just not go.

Thinking you’re going to go light and just get some nachos? It’s tortilla chips, cheese and salsa… how bad could it be? Well you’d be eating almost 150% of your daily calories in one bowl of shitty chips. That’s right, ringing in at 2,950 calories, the nachos are enough to feed a small village (as they should probably ONLY be used to do). As food blogger Cheapism puts it, “Go it alone on these cheese-slathered nachos with all the fixings and not only will you be getting almost 50% more calories than the FDA’s 2,000-a-day recommendation, you’ll be scarfing down a bewildering 210 grams of fat and 395 grams of cholesterol. There are also 6 grams of artery-clogging trans fats, the most of any item on the menu and something most health experts recommend avoiding altogether.” That one meal can nearly sustain an average sized adult for TWO DAYS. Like if you finish this meal, you wouldn’t have to eat another thing for 48 whole-ass hours. I’m sorry, that’s just gross.

This blog needs a conclusion, but honestly, I’m just too grossed out and in a total food coma from just looking at the Cheesecake Factory nutritional guide. Do yourself a favor and steer clear. Life’s too short to eat shitty food.