The other night, I was invited out to a fancy dinner party to celebrate someone’s birthday. I’m not usually one for boujee places (especially if the food and the clientele suck, which in this “Hollywood hotspot”, it did) but it was a friend’s birthday, so I happily went in support. As with all of these boujee places, I went to the bathroom halfway through dinner only to be caught totally off-guard by the bathroom attendant eagerly waiting to greet me, pump my soap and dry my hands. It’s such an awkward situation, that I didn’t sign up for. You can’t not acknowledge them, that’s just rude. And you can’t be a douche and over-engage with them, like pretending you’re not there to eat an overpriced dinner that costs as much as this guy’s monthly rent and then pretending they’re not there stuck for twelve hours wiping leftover blow crumbs from whatever LA asshole was in the bathroom stall beforehand.
I wouldn’t really mind it if he was outside the bathroom. I’d actually quite like a “welcome to the bathroom” guy. See, that would dramatically boost my experience. But inside… there’s nothing worse than stumbling into a bathroom, only to be surprised by an over-eager bathroom attendant when you were certainly not expecting it.
You gotta be warned first. There just has to be a sign on the door or a section on Yelp alerting you to the fact that, “warning: there is a bathroom attendant in there… things may get awkward.” Nobody likes being surprised by the bathroom attendant and then now your trip to bathroom because a whole excursion of awkwardness.
I feel bad for them. They’re genuinely nice guys… and they just wanna help and do their jobs. But the problem is, their job is so fucking awkward. I’m perfectly capable of squirting my own soap and drying my own hands. I don’t need someone to stand there and eagerly do it for me. And no matter how you slice it, no man wants another dude in there “attending” to them while they do business. Can I just piss in peace?
Especially in an age of COVID, why is someone else squirting soap on to my hands? Isn’t that the whole point, to “socially distance”? Why unnecessarily add another person to an already crowded bathroom? And I’m not bashing these guys personally, just the job concept as a whole. It just adds a layer of awkwardness that nobody wants. It’s 2021, why do we still have bathroom attendants?
And then there’s this obligation to tip. I wasn’t planning on expensing my trip to the pisser, but now if I don’t, suddenly I’m the asshole? And then God forbid you’re someone like me with a terrible bladder control and have to use the bathroom more than once. So if you didn’t tip the first time, then you definitely can’t return to the bathroom later in the evening without it being unbelievably awkward. If you don’t tip after two trips, you have to piss outside. That’s just the rule.
Like I want to give this guy a tip, but I literally don’t carry cash. It’s 2021, you can’t expect me to just have cash at the ready to tip the guy who would shake the piss off my dick if he could. Do you he take Venmo? Mayne contactless card? Literally anything would be better than having this guy wash my hands clean and then fumbling through my wallet only to pull out a dollar bill that God only knows where it has been.
Although it was awkward, I gotta say… this guy was the best fucking soap pumper and hand dryer the world has ever seen. I literally gave him my last dollar bill. The literal last piece of cash in my wallet, just so it wasn’t awkward. I mean the man was just feeling up my knuckles for the last ten minutes, I kinda have to. Tip your bathroom guys, they’ve definitely seen some shit. But I just wish next time… I could pee in peace.