It’s 2022, we’re all trying to be productive grinders out here, ready to take on the world. And nothing can set you up for success more than having a great morning! You know, there’s nothing better than getting up positive and showing the world who’s boss. Well, here are some things you can do to get your day started and absolutely demolish your workday.
First thing’s first, chainsmoke a pack of cigarettes. We all know smoking is part of a robust, healthy diet. So you gotta be sure to get your lungs prepped and ready for the day by sitting up in bed and absolutely destroying a thick pack of heaters. Marlboro Reds are my personal stogie of choice. Screw brushing your teeth, the first thing in your mouth in the morning should be a big, fat cancer stick. Show the world who’s boss, stare death in the face and tell him, you… own… him. Swap the carton of floss for a carton of darts and get your mouth and mind on the right foot.
Forget Wordle or a crossword puzzle to get your brain fired up, start a Twitter argument. It can be on anything you want; politics, racism, classism, oppression, or all of the above. Nothing gets the neurons firing like having to bend and twist backwards fueling arguments you don’t have the rational sense or knowledge to be participating in. What’s your hot take on the horrible geopolitical situation in Ukraine? You know the world is dying to hear it. If you really want to start your day on the best foot, try to do as much mental gymnastics as you can trying to convince yourself (and the world) that Tom Hanks is actually a pedophile.
Text that girl you’ve been meaning to text. Nothing says you care like sending a 7:47am text to the girl who has clearly been trying to ghost you. If she didn’t respond to you at 5pm last night, 8pm last night, and even 10pm last night, then surely she was busy. Better catch her in the morning when you know she’ll be on her phone. It doesn’t have to be a “hey” or “what’s up?” Maybe just ask her how she slept that night or another totally not awkward at all question. She’ll see that she’s the first thing on your mind that morning and you’re putting your passions in play. That’ll really turn her on, I mean what better way to show someone you’re interested in them by literally texting them the first thing in the morning?
Don’t pee. Hold it, you’re a man. Assert dominance against your bladder and various other internal organs.
Bet your entire bank account on the over for the game tonight. When you wake up, you wake up to do business. Every day is a hustle and you’re in it to win it. But high rewards only come to those with high risk. So jump into the deep end and don’t forget to put all of your money on the over for tonight’s game. The great thing about degenerate sports gambling is that, no matter what time of the year it is, there’s always going to be a game to put money on. Hell you don’t even have to know what sport it is. Remember, if you’re waking up around 7/8am, there’s probably a cricket game going on in India… and you can probably bet on it. But even if that’s not your speed, nothing gets the blood pumping and senses tingling more than wagering your entire life savings on the shoulders of some 19 year olds from Canton, Ohio to hit a three pointer in about twelve hours. If that won’t make you feel alive, I don’t know what will.
Oh and the last and final piece of advice, literally don’t get out of bed. That’s right, do all of the above from bed. We all work from home anyway, there’s no purpose to any of this anymore. We’re all gonna evolve in to the sentient fat people from Wall-E anyway, so I might as well get my head start on casting for one of those people on “My 600-lb Life” who are too big to get out of bed. Also, don’t change your sheets, ever. That’s your domain. So if you want to have a great day, you need to have a great morning, and a great morning starts with being in your zone. Embrace your stank. It’s what makes you human.