Should I sign up to be a Federal Air Marshal?

I was surfing through Twitter the other night when out of nowhere, I got an ad encouraging me to apply to be a Federal Air Marshal… you know, the badasses who fly undercover on planes ready to deter any hijacking at a moment’s notice. Pretty much the undercover cop of the skies. I never really had an interest in law enforcement (in fact, I prefer to avoid conflict as MUCH as possible) however, after seeing the ad it had me thinking… I might actually be perfect for it. Also, kudos to whoever targeted that ad thinking I’m badass enough to be an Air Marshal, I’ll gladly take the compliment.

If you know me, you know I love traveling. With this job, I’d get to travel the country (and the world) and get paid for it. I don’t mind flying at all (actually, I’m kind of sadistic in the fact that I reeeeally enjoy it), so a job that allows me to sit in a plane all day without having to actually operate it or work as a flight attendant sounds so legit. Plus, when you’re an Air Marshal, they seat you near the cockpit so you can be up close to deter any attempted hijackings… You know that that means, right? First class. Ohhhhh yeah, first class meals, first class service, and they’re paying me for this?

Also, how much dangerous shit actually happens on planes nowadays? Aside from the drunk, rowdy passengers every so often (which Air Marshall protocol actually suggests that Marshals don’t intervene in if the Flight Crew is already handling it), how many attempted hijackings have you heard about in the last twenty years? Seriously, how hard could this job be? Just seems like I’m sitting back cruising the skies enjoying movie after movie, mimosa after mimosa at 30,000 feet. As long as they don’t put me on any Spirit flights, I’m down for the gig (in fact, if I ever have to fly Spirit again, I’d actually prefer if it were hijacked).

This job comes with some sick weapons training. That’s right, I’d be the only badass in all of America with a loaded gun on the plane. That alone kinda makes me want to send in an application. I’d get to enforce justice in the skies, and be a certified “hero.” Imagine being the guy who stops the next 9/11? That’s pretty legendary stuff right there. If this whole “writing” thing doesn’t work out by the time I’m 30, catch me on your next Minneapolis to Dallas flight, protecting the skies, one bag of salted nuts at a tine.