Should I Buy an Ostrich? Yes.

The last couple of months I’ve been contemplating whether or not I should get a pet. Sure, a dog or cat makes the most sense for an apartment, but honestly I’ve had both before and thought I’d look outside the box on what animals I can legally own in California. Low and behold, after 12 short minutes of Google searching I found what I will be buying, domesticating, and eventually harvesting for its delicious meat: An Ostrich.

To address the elephant in the room (those are illegal to own), yes. You can legally obtain an Ostrich in California. Essentially they’re considered an oversized flightless bird in the eyes of the state, so Gavin Newsom more or less considers Ostriches to be like a giant turkey. As far as I know I don’t even need a permit to buy the damn thing. Literally just need to buy it and do the usual livestock type paperwork and WALA! I own a fucking Ostrich.

What would I name this Ostrich? Karen, of course. Why? Ostriches are known to be very aggressive and irrational, often lashing out at their owners or people in general… Extremely similar to the human Karen species. I also find giving animals people names absolutely hilarious so Karen it is.

Now I know what you’re thinking… Kyle, where the hell are you going to keep a 7 ft tall bird in Los Angeles? The answer? In my apartment. I’m sure I can get one of those foldable doggy gates and corner off a section of the room. Once I get a water bowl in there and some hay I’m sure Karen will feel like she’s back home in Africa. As for food I’m assuming I can just buy that bitch a family bucket of KFC and she’ll be on her merry way. Yes, I realize that’s cutting it close by giving chicken to a bird, but we like to play things close to the chest when it comes to Karen.

Now walking Karen will obviously be the most fun part of it all. That’s why I already ordered myself a bedazzled saddle with her name on the side to ride Karen around the streets of Los Angeles. Considering the fact that Ostriches can reach 43 mph I’m sure Karen and I will be driving faster than 90% of the dip shits on the road in L.A. half the time. Sure, Karen might get a little feisty and attack a few pedestrians. But hey, all you have to do is not make eye contact and you’ll be fine… Sort of.

Yes, I know I’ve thought this out in immense detail. No, I don’t plan on backing out at this point. Where did I find an Ostrich in California? Don’t worry about it. All I’ll say is if you’re considering getting a pet this year, don’t get another golden retriever… Look into Ostriches. You’re welcome.