Men are complicated, beautiful creatures. We males can start world wars in the blink of an eye but at the same time giggle at every fart we hear well into old age. Why do we behave the way we do? I blame the power lines I grew up under as a kid but as for the excuse for men in general I honestly have no idea.
Typically we don’t try to hide any behaviors from the women in our lives, willingly burping and ripping ass in front of our girlfriends without a shred of concern. But there are those few things we do that we keep in the shadows. The behaviors we men all quietly know we do, yet never bring to light.
Writing this article I feel slightly like Judas betraying my fellow brethren… Or maybe I’m more like General Shepherd in MW2… Whatever, either works. Regardless, I think it’s high time it’s known by the whole population the little quiet, sometimes disgusting behaviors we men do on a nearly hourly basis. So what are these wild things men do that women don’t know?
The Nut Sack Pinch and Roll – Ah, an art form as old as time itself. For thousands of years men have been crafting away, perfecting the art of pinching and rolling. What is it we pinch and roll you might be wondering? It’s our ball sack. Seriously. Every man you see was once a young boy with an itchy nut sack who one day realized scratching wasn’t getting the results we wanted.
Thankfully thousands of years of neurological evolution allowed us to adapt to the situation. Thus we realized the only way to scratch an itch on a free floating sack of skin is to pinch it, followed by a rolling of the skin to cover the entire area of the issue.
I’ll be honest, I’ve probably pinch and rolled 6 times since I started writing this thing. It’s just a part of having a hairy nut sack smacking your legs 24/7. You wouldn’t get it ladies, but at least now you know if you see a man in public grabbing at his crotch, he’s not groping himself, he’s pinching and rolling.
Cupping Water Against our Bodies in the Shower for No Reason – As a typical, run of the mill man, I can tell you that unless I just dug myself out of a giant pile of shit and have to scrub with a metal brush from head to toe, I’m going to be done showering myself in about 2-5 minutes max. The advanced technology of 3-in-1 shower gels has allowed men to cut those numbers down even more, yet we seem to linger in the shower long after our actual bathing is complete.
That’s because we’re doing 1 of 2 things… Filling our mouths with water just to spit it out immediately, or we’re cupping water against our chest until our hand fills up. This one might be one of the dumber things we men collectively do, and definitely the most pointless. But the fact of the matter is every guy reading this article just thought to themselves “holy shit, everyone does this?” Yep, we do dude.
Pee in the Shower… It’s Just WAAAAY Easier – I know what you’re thinking right now ladies… “My man would never pee in the shower. He’s not like every other guy!” Oh yes he is and he’s 100% pissing in your shower every time he uses it. In the eyes of men at one point a shower just becomes one giant urinal. With the “it all goes to the same place” or “my soap will clean the shower after I’m done” excuses are the only validation we need with this behavior.
Why would we get out and dry off just to take a piss into a bowl of water when there’s a perfectly good artificial water fall right next to us? Riddle us that, ladies! Shower peeing has, is and always will be a staple of the gross, consistent realities of being a man and honestly, even if you were in the shower with us we’d still do it. Honestly, we’d probably just pee on you for a good laugh.
Wear the Same Pair of Jeans for Months (Don’t Lie to Yourselves, Fellas) – Now hear us out… Why would you wash a pair of jeans if you haven’t been sweating in them, you wore underwear as a filth barrier AND you’re just gonna wear them again tomorrow? Makes more sense now, right? No? Well we don’t care. Guys will do virtually anything we can to avoid doing unnecessary laundry and our favorite pairs of jeans are at the top of the “do not clean” list.
I know for a fact part of the reason we do this is because we feel like we have to “break them in” again after a wash. You see, men’s jeans are like a baseball glove; Once you break them in a bit it can handle balls much easier. Yes, those balls. So if you see your man’s dirty jeans sitting on the floor please, DON’T WASH THEM! If you ask to wash them he might agree to avoid suspicion, so it’s best to just accept he’s most likely just sprayed his cologne on it to get rid of the crotch smell. Yep, we all do that.