Would ya look at that! Yet another ridiculous health and fitness fad has finally reached the end of it’s yellow brick road. The wildly popular (or at least up to this point) exercise equipment brand, Peloton, has announced they will be halting production of all products due to a massive drop in demand. In other words people realized these glorified stationary bikes starting at $1500 a pop are way overpriced. That’s right, the rich fat people now have to find some other way to brag about exercising on Twitter.
You didn’t reinvent exercising. It’s the same damn experience if you set a stationary bike in front of a TV. Only difference is you’re buying the Lamborghini of stationary bikes just to say you have one. Hope the $1500 dust collector sitting in your garage was worth it. So for those of you wealthy elite who now must join the ranks of us commercial gym-going peasants, here are some cheap alternatives to your precious Peleton bikes nobody wants:
L.A. Fitness Membership ($40) – Wow! Already you’re saving about $1k from that stupid bike. Lucky for you there’s about two dozen of those things at every L.A. Fitness location. Unfortunately you’ll have to bear the burden of no overpriced trainer videos reminding your lazy ass to pedal. Really not that difficult guys.
Running (Free) – The amazing thing about being healthy is you don’t have to be a douchebag about it by flexing how much you spend just to be in mediocre shape. That’s right, running is free! A free option to get healthy and lose weight?! No thanks! I’d rather spend $5k on a Peloton bike and treadmill that screams at me when I’m peddling too slow. The Earth’s one giant hamster wheel, so why don’t you throw a David Goggins video on and run it like the rest of us.
A Regular Bike ($180) – Why settle for stationary when you can get the real thing for 1/10th the price? Oh, that’s right. It isn’t even about health. You just want to be able to flex to all the other rich assholes how you rode your Peloton bike for 12 minutes this morning just to remind the world you have one. Or how about you get your ass on a Schwinn and pedal like literal children have been doing for 200 years? I mean goddamn Karen! Do you really need validation that bad?!