My Children Will be Professional Athletes

I don’t know about you, but I want my future children to be professional athletes.  Not only would they live a fruitful life, but they could make a great living and possibly buy me a fucking rad smoker to go with my grill.  I love meat, so naturally this is something I think about regularly.  Since I recently changed my Tinder location to the Olympic village in Japan, I have already thought about my ideal candidates to pursue.  

I have my sights set on the lovely Lijao Gong, a Chinese shotput superstar.  Standing at an impressive 5 ft 9 inches, Gong has the physical height I need for my future children to play in the NBA.  Between her lower body explosion and her powerful core strength, we could potentially raise the next Chris Paul.  With my agile hand eye coordination together with Gong’s lower body explosion, I don’t think that sprinting is off the table for our hypothetical kids.  There is a lot to consider here as there is a minor language barrier but I’m pretty sure the whole reason Google Translate was created was to pick up chicks. 

Last, but certainly not least, is the talented MyKayla Skinner, an American gymnast hailing from Gilbert, AZ.  Standing at a whopping 5 ft tall, Skinner is an ideal option if we are looking to raise a jockey who will go on to win the Kentucky Derby.  Not only are horse races kick ass, but they are wildly addictive.  I couldn’t imagine a more relaxing Sunday afternoon than taking my jockey child to their horse race and using their inside information to make calculated bets that will 100% hit.  It’s a complete slam dunk idea if you ask me.  What could go wrong? Jockeys need to be tiny and petite, so we will have our children on a strict diet consisting of 800 daily calories split evenly between bananas and Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  

If all else fails, does anyone have a promo code for a smoker or something? Looking for one just in case my future kids are busts. Thanks.