Model Tries to Steal Drake’s Jizz, Get’s Hot Sauce Instead

I know this happened a few days ago and anyone that’s remotely involved in the social media world has heard about this, but I find this way too hilarious not to comment. Apparently the massively popular rapper, Drake, is being sued for damages after a model he’d slept with snuck into his bathroom to steal his used condom. Why is she suing? When she dumped the “goods” into her vage she felt like she’d just poured lava into her snatch, more specifically the hot sauce Drake dumped in there earlier.

That’s right, somewhere along the line of fame and fortune Drake discovered if he mixed some Dave’s Hot in with his baby batter, not only did it kill the sperm still alive in the condom, it also made for a pretty good semen security system. As soon as that chick decided she was gonna ruin the dude’s life and dumped that condom into her vajay the saucy security system kicked in and the alarm, a.k.a. her screaming, alerted the rapper.

Now I don’t want to take this opportunity to absolutely shit on pretty women, but I will for a bit here. Let’s thank this dumb fuck model for confirming the fears of rich, overly jizz protective men around the world. Model or not this chick belongs to the streets. How scummy do you have to be to steal a guy’s jizz out of the trash can just to try and finagle a pity baby to give you a handsome payday just to carry it around for the rest of it’s infancy like a chihuahua in a Chanel purse?

Ladies, do better. Drake, keep putting diablo sauce in your rubbers. So she expects jizz and gets a scorched vagine instead? Talk about a Trojan horse! See what I did there? And for the rest of us guys, just remember, if you were as rich as Drake girls would try to steal your loads too, so be careful gentlemen.