If you are a human being with a pulse you’ve been seeing the constant social media coverage of the current war between Russia and Ukraine. So far it seems like TikTok and Twitter are the most up to speed on what’s going on with live updates from people actually living in Ukrainian cities that are under attack, something I find wild mostly because one’s a dance app and the other’s just usually chaos.
Now I have no idea where things will go and I don’t intend on commenting on the situation, but I will say if NATO ends up getting dragged into this conflict as history dictates it possibly could, you can catch me and the boys dropping dam like it’s fucking Verdansk.
Every guy with an Xbox or really a childhood in general has played the Modern Warfare 2 mission in Ukraine, more specifically centered in the city of Pripyat near the site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster of 1986. If you haven’t played this mission then you were either a depraved child who was bound to your basement by abusive parents until your 18th birthday when they released you from your dungeon, or you just never got around to it like some out of touch nerd. Either way, go buy the game and play the damn mission so you know what I’m talking about like the other 99% of the male population in this country.
That being said, with that mission in particular, combined with my days worth of playing time in the lustrous city of Verdansk I’m confident in saying the boys and I are ready to drop and take over the whole goddamn country… And I base that on absolutely nothing whatsoever. Have I taken control of an entire soccer arena? Yes. Has the squad occupied an entire airport with no one getting in or out alive? Absolutely. Has the team ever sacked a place they call superstore? No. Because nobody can fucking win at superstore. It’s complete chaos.
With experience like that there’s only a few things I’d need to absolutely run train on some Russians. Obviously we’d have to do squads. When it comes to my solo numbers I’m absolute trash, but with squad wins in the double digits I’m confident we can get a victory in the warzone when I let my team run into the dam, only for me to thirst their kills right at the last minute. But hey, scoreboard bro. Nobody cares if he’s “one shot.” I cleaned that shit up, you’re welcome.
So now that I have my squad I’m going to need crates of weapons and ammunition placed randomly throughout the greater Kyiv area. I will not jump out of the plane with anything more than a standard pistol. At this point it’s a pride thing and I’m assuming the guys at COD have done their research. Don’t both sides start out with only handguns and scavenge their way up to a gold AR?
Now I can figure my way around the area with a few UAVs and perhaps even an advanced one occasionally, but I’m going to need access to at least 1 or 2 semi-regular supply drops. That’s where the squad gets lethal. “Why wouldn’t you just jump out of the plane with your loadout right away?” Fuck you, Tina. You wouldn’t get it. The squad needs a loady and we can’t pull of the W without one. But trust me when I say once we have our custom setups we’ll be absolutely dangerous.
Now last, but arguably most importantly, I’m gonna need some sort of Gulag option here. Obviously I know I can’t have some Russian rip my plates apart and stand to wait for my teammates to res me every time, so I’ll need Russia to agree to have some sort of fight to the death styled Gulag from wence I have the opportunity to escape back into the fight. Yes, I understand this means the Russians will quite literally be releasing half of their prisoner population every time there’s a dual, but it’s gotta be in the Treat of Versailles somewhere, right?
Hell, I’ll even take the occasional prison break, so long as one of the squad is still kicking long enough for us to fly back in and find yet another loadout somehow. Obviously it’s not going to be as easy to scavenge the second or third time around, but the later fighting’s what separates the men from the boys… Or in this case a level 15 from a level 50.
So long as these agreed upon requirements are met I know the boys will be unstoppable. Hopefully there’s some kind of city scape similar to that of Verdansk, otherwise we might get the new map jitters and completely fuck things up from the start. Ever been a late drop instant death? Yeah, I don’t wanna be that guy. So if shit goes south and big daddy Vladdy decides he wants a taste of the generation raised on COD, just know if there’s a dam in the area you can catch me and the boys dropping there and absolutely fucking shit up. Let’s just hope its just like the video games though right?
What’s worse: getting stuck at the top of a roller coaster, or derailing from a roller coaster?
Tiger Woods Video Games are Back!
Hot take: Zoos are overrated