June 5, 2023

The Tap Daily

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I’ll take old dogs over young dogs, any day of the week

photo of person petting a dog

Photo by Jean Alves on Pexels.com

I’ve been hanging out with a friend’s new puppy these last few days (a 12 week old golden doodle to be exact), which has been great. We play fetch, we play tug of war with little ropey toys, she gets lots of pets and cuddles, y’know the usual puppy stuff. But the way this puppy runs around at what seems like a million miles an hour for hours on end has me thinking…. As much as I love dogs, I’d much rather have an older, chill dog over a hyperactive puppy, any day of the week. Don’t get me wrong, puppies and younger dogs are a bundle of joy. But they’re also a bundle of fucking recklessness. I seriously don’t get the hype. Everyone’s all “puppies this”, “puppies that”, and “puppies are so cute” and believe me, I am nowhere near anti-puppy, but at some point we gotta call out the truth, here. Dealing with puppies fucking blows. Older dogs are sooooo much better and way more fun to hang out with. I have an old dog at home. And sure I loved him when he was a puppy. But guess what, I love him even more now that he’s a 13 year old mush.

two yellow labrador retriever puppies
Photo by Chevanon Photography on Pexels.com

I think a couple factors come into play here. First, old dogs know the world, they know the lay of the land, they’re not gonna flip out when you decide to get up for a glass of water. Puppies on the other hand, are so fucking curious. Almost like too curious. And that just bleeds into an endless cycle of running around, nonstop, trying to see if the chair that was there fifteen seconds ago, is still there. You know, if a human exhibited the same natural behaviors of a puppy, we’d prescribe them highly powered sedatives.

For another thing, puppies bite everything. You can’t even have them sit on your lap for five seconds without them gnawing at your hands, clothes or even your ears. And those razor sharp puppy teeth don’t discriminate. They’ll leave my arm looking like I’m a needle addict. And they’re soooooo anxious. Seriously, the separation anxiety of a puppy is incredible, and they make it known. With a young puppy it’s always “yip yip yip, yap yap yap” nonstop. They cry and whine like you’ve disappeared into the abyss, meanwhile you’re literally three feet away. I mean, you can’t even look away from them for a split second without having them blow the roof off the house.

The constant, constant attention required by a puppy just drains on you. I’ve got shit to do, and as selfish as it sounds, I really don’t want to have to entertain a dog all day. And with a puppy, that’s pretty much all you’re doing. God forbid you make a decision to actually leave the house. If you leave a puppy at home for like 23 minutes, you’ll come back home to what looks like a nuclear bomb went off right in your living room. Pillows exploded, couches torn up, piss and shit on the walls. It’s a nightmare. But picture this, you leave an old dog home, come back four or five hours later and guess what? Everything is EXACTLY how you left it. Your couch looks normal, shelves still stacked, your clothes haven’t been eaten. That’s a nice life to live. Plus, old dogs sleep like 75-90% of the day. It’s sooo much easier to get some work done or fix some things around the house when you don’t have a literal infant animal running around.

Plus, potty training is a huge one. Old dogs, potty trained, no problem. Meanwhile, younger dogs will turn your entire floor into their personal port-a-potty. We all know how much it sucks to accidentally step in piss. But imagine you’re wearing socks and that warm pee is allllll over your living room hardwood floor. Or in the carpet, where it’s impossible to get out, and that stench just marinates for days, months, years on end. I love the fact that an old dog will just tap on the door to let me know, “hey dude, could you open this? I gotta piss… outside.”

As a personal rule, any dog I regularly hang out with has gotta be older than let’s say… seven. Maybe eight. Old dogs are just all about the vibes, sure I’ll chill out for like 23 out of 24 hours of the day. Maybe some couch time, maybe some lap time, maybe some porch time. Just chillen, Puppies don’t give a fuck, but old dogs give even less of a fuck. Just the sloowwwwwwwww, laid back lifestyle of an old dog, I can really get behind.

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