There are so many trees in the world. Big, small, leafy, branchy. They give us oxygen to breathe, they give us shade to pass out under after a long session of daydrinking. The world as we know it quite literally would not exist without trees. As I was walking through my neighborhood this morning and admiring the various beauty (and sometimes gross decrepitness of trees), it got me thinking… if I were one of these trees, which one would I want to be? Here’s some trees I could definitely see myself as.
Being a palm tree would probably be the ultimate best case scenario and the tree I’d love to be most. There’s like a 80% chance I’d be posted up somewhere with an ocean view, which is awesome. Imagine every day and night you have a full view of a beautiful coastline and the soothing sound of relaxing ocean waves.
Seriously, I could be a Hawaiian palm tree on the ocean, I could be a Fijian palm tree on the ocean, I could even be a Caribbean palm tree on the ocean. And with all these beautiful vacation hot spots, there’s sure to be plenty o’ gorgeous bikini babes and piña coladas to go around. Plus, when you’re a palm tree, you’re always on island time. It’s literally life as a resort. Taking it nice n’ easy, because as a palm tree, every day is like Margaritaville. Life as a palm tree would be pretty fucking amazing, to be honest.
But… I could also end up as an In n Out Palm tree… which wouldn’t be half bad either.
Sure, no ocean view, but at the very least I’d be afforded the luxury of a nonstop inhale of that beautiful, sizzling, fresh In n Out ground beef smell. Who could say no to that?
Also, I could end up as a Beverly Hills Palm Tree, which isn’t the worst existence in the world. Hot moms, gold-digging bimbos, and all the landscaping and anti-littering laws in the world would make for a pretty solid existence.
However, there’s a chance I could end up as a Florida palm tree, which is something I would not want. I mean could you imagine being a palm tree stuck on the Orlando exit from Interstate 4? Ugh, that just seems gross. Florida has the worst of the worst people, you can guarantee it also has the worst of the worst trees.
Nobody’s ever sad around a Christmas tree. Forget providing oxygen and shade, Christmas trees are just bursting with eternal joy and lifelong memories. And I get to do that for a whole month? Throw some lights on me and I’m the center of the entire party. Familes would gather around me, singing, drinking having a grand old time. I’d be like the warm, homey party plant of trees. Christmas is my favorite season, and I could sooooo see myself being a Christmas tree.
Okay, they may be more of a plant than a tree, but i’ll count it as a tree for the sake of this article. Imagine being straight Joe’d out 24/7, that’s my ultimate dream and I think being a coffee tree would be so awesome. Sure, you might have to deal with some shady South American weather patterns and hoards of coffee farmers groping your beans all day. But it might be worth it just to keep that pure espresso buzzzz.
I could definitely see myself as a maple tree. Aside from the temperate climate of a northeastern fall and winter, can you think of anything better than thick, pure maple syrup just continually coursing through your veins? I could eat all the pancakes in the world and never run out of syrup. It would suck when maple farmers stick their needles in me to extract the syrup, but honestly…. I look at it like a cost of doing business. It’s like donating blood, sure nobody wants to get a needle stuck in them and have their livelihood drawn out. But hey, if doing so is beneficial for the greater good of all, then I can’t hoard it all to myself. Let’s get that sweet, sweet maple sap to the masses.
Oak trees… your big, classic playground tree, are so beast. They’re like the ultimate fun-time tree. Like when you were a kid climbing up a tree, there’s a 99.99% chance it was the fattest Oak on the block. Just imagine, kids get to swing off of you. You can maybe even throw a treehouse in one of those branches. Nobody’s ever looked at an oak tree and been like, fuck that oak tree. Oak trees rule the park. They’re like king of neighborhood park trees. I could totally see myself as an oak tree just chillen with families, ripping picnics. So peaceful, so lovely. Viva la Oak.
After all this, I think we can all agree, there’s no way in fuck I’d ever be a cactus. Desert tree? Are you kidding me? Fuck outta here.