Charcuterie boards have to be the biggest definition of “Instagram food.” Right? Food that is made primarily for the sole purpose of posting on social media. Sure, it might look amazing, but what’s the point? Let me be clear, when done correctly, the combinations of high quality meats, cheeses and spreads can be very good. I have no problem with an authentic, traditional, high quality, charcuterie board.
However, at your average dinner party, there’s a 99% chance that your buddies girlfriend who’s actually making the charcuterie board, has no clue what the fuck she’s doing. Let’s be clear, no guy has ever willingly made a charcuterie board, it’s always the girlfriend putting one together. And we all know they’re really only doing so for the Instagram aesthetic, not for creating an enjoyable culinary experience.
It’s one thing if they actually know and understand which cheeses go with which meats and then which meats go with which crackers. But 9/10 times these chicks just throw a box of Ritz and some Oscar Meyer on a wooden plank and call it a day. And then they act like it’s the most amazing thing ever. It’s deli meat on tree bark, Allyson. Hand-bake the bread, cure the ham yourself, do something to make it look like the deli cooler at Vons didn’t just explode on my apartment floor!
Plus, on the overall, charcuterie boards are lowkey kinda gross. Everyone’s got their grimy hands all over the meats, touching a piece of prosciutto only to rip it from another piece of prosciutto and then leave that same piece on the board. Now I gotta eat that? No thanks.
Also, what am I supposed to do? Go back and forth between the board and my plate, and the board and my plate, and the board and my plate? Like one snack plate’s worth is never enough to actually satisfy anybody, but then, I also don’t want to eat an entire meal’s worth of random deli meat. If you struggle with portion control, charcuterie is NOT the food for you.
Here’s my rule, if you’re gonna make me a charcuterie board at a dinner party, it must contain at least one meat and cheese that I cannot pronounce. Make it real, make it special, and for the love of God, do not throw sliced turkey on there.
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