I Could be an Instagram Model, and Here’s Why

There’s one metaphorical key to the city when it comes to being a prominent influencer on the massive social media app, Instagram: An absolute dump truck fat ass. Combine a massive cake with a half decent looking face and you’ve got over 300k followers easy. Think about it, do any of these “influencers” actually provide anything content-wise besides ass pics and duck lips? You really follow Rachel Cook to hear her opinion on Afghanistan? Fuck no! It’s all about the ass, baby! And I’ve got the goods.

With a pooper like mine a lot of things can get done and one of those accomplishments is gaining hundreds of thousands of followers on Instagram with absolute ease. Only thing I have to do is go to the gym and do legs 5 days a week to keep this diabolical pooper inflated to maximum size and I’ll be making hand over fist with sponsored content.

If I started an account completely fresh today, here’s what would happen: First, I’d make my inaugural post and gain 150k followers overnight. Why? Everyone wants a slice of my cake and I won’t say no because I’m a sellout. Second, Gymshark and Manscape would both call me by 11am the following day offering $25k respectfully each for posting a shot of my ass with tight leggings and an electric shaver set menacingly on top of my cheeks. After just a month of posting extremely seductive pics I’d finally reach 300k and be one of the most prominent Instagram influencers on the planet.

So what’s stopping me? As easy as it sounds, I have too much respect for myself than to post pretty much naked pics of my ass for a bunch of 12 year olds to jerk off to. But hey, kudos to the ladies who throw basic self respect and human decency aside on a daily basis just to sellout and flash their bare ass to every teenager and pervert in the world. Thank you for being brave and doing what I don’t have the balls to do. Go you!