The perfect dick pic doesn’t just happen on its own, gentlemen. It’s designed. It’s a conscious effort to make you and your dong look like an ideal specimen for whatever lady or guy friend you’re propositioning with a pic of your genitals. An art dating back to the cavemen who used to draw pictures of dick and balls on the walls of caves just so any cave lady passing by could bask in the glory of their soon to be “man” hood.
We’ve all been there before; staring at your naked self in the mirror trying to figure out the right angles, filters and maybe even lighting situation. God I wish I had someone in there coaching me how to send one of the most glorious pee pee photos that’s ever been seen by my soon to be ex girlfriend. But no, months later she’d eventually dump me and to this day I think it was the terrible dick pic I sent her… Not the fact that I basically ignored her 24/7 for Fortnite obligations.
I don’t care if you’re gay, straight or want to fuck a piece of drywall. If you have a dick and you want to flaunt it to your prospective lover, here’s how to take the perfect dick pic to ensure that piece of drywall ends up in YOUR bed:
- Pubes – Yes, gentlemen. If a tree’s in a shrubby forest it’s gonna be harder to see just how massive the redwood really is. Pubes tell a potential lover a couple of things: One, you may have lived a past life as a 70’s porn star, and that you obviously don’t give a shit about your genital hygiene. In the mind of most girls especially, a bush equals dirty and gross, which eventually translates into a block or possible call to the proper authorities.
If you really want to prove to her that you’re not some poor slob that can’t even afford a razor to shave his shaft some breathing room, then go to the fucking dollar store and buy one like every respectable man in history. You think Jeff Bezos is rocking the dick fro when he’s sending billion dollar dong shots to his lady friends? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT! And neither should you! Channel the Bezos, shave your pubes and give yourself that extra half inch or two to really impress your target audience… Or in my case, double in size.
- Lighting (Don’t use flash, you moron!) – What’s worse than seeing a photo from a trip you were looking forward to boasting on Instagram only to realize the dumbass who took it for your group put the flash on and exposed you for how ugly you really are? Wasn’t very pleasant a situation, was it? Then why the fuck would you do that to your johnson?! I don’t care if you live in a literal cave with a fire being the only source of illumination. Lighting is everything when it comes to the perfect dick pic. It can make or break your chances or having someone truly appreciate the beauty of your shlong.
So what do you do? You get that cock as close to that cave fire as you have to and harness the light! In reality you want to make sure you have a well lit room, but not too bright. Something that casts shadows to show the veiny beauty that you call your closest little friend. Once you have that perfect ear shadow of your dick cast nicely on your balls like a crescent moon… CLICK! You got the pic.
- Fluff it up! – What’s the first thing a bodybuilder does before they go out on stage? They get in a PUMP! You think Arnie just raw dogged the stage in his walking around, flaccid body? That dude was the king of fluffing himself up for the competition. He knew the judges didn’t wanna see some strong guy that sort of looked jacked. THEY WANTED THE PUMP!
Your dick pic is the same as any bodybuilding competition… The pump is key. It shows your recipient that you’re not some wet noodle guy when you’re thinking about them, but also that you’re not some overly excited raging lunatic when the thought of them crosses your mind. Now I’m not saying go half jerk yourself off into a raging hard on. That’s way too aggressive and would obviously scare away the big game. So when you’re fluffing just remember a happy, flattering medium pump is perfect.
- Ice it up (Jewelry, not literally dude) – Alright, we got the key elements of the shlong shot out of the way, but now comes the real addition to send her over the moon and into your DM’s. Jewelry. Yes, jewelry. For those of you ‘Blue Mountain State’ fans you might remember this one from Thad Castle’s lesson on taking a perfect dick pic. Turns out the writers at BMS did their research because this move is an absolute essential to making you stand out among the sea of dick pics your suitor’s liking receiving on a daily basis.
When I say jewelry, I don’t mean your Star Wars watch with Darth Vader’s face centimeters from your cock. I’m taking about the icy wrist watch rip offs you can buy at any outlet mall for a mere $20. I personally have a Rolex look alike that, when slightly out of frame, makes me look like I could somehow afford a $30k watch and still have some money to spare. The watch lets them know you’re more than some dick in a photo… You’re a potential mate who can support them with the money you apparently have.
Is this manipulative? Possibly. Do we care? Let someone else write an article about that shit! We’re taking a dick pic here, and adding a watch or maybe even a ring or two will 100% make your lady friend feel like you are one high ding dong on the food chain of men.
NOW GO, GENTLEMEN! Take what you have learned and run wild with creativity. Play around with some unique angles, maybe let your dick grow out a 5 o’clock shadow to keep it short and see what replies you get. You can thank me later with an invite to your wedding. Accept for the guys who took that drywall line seriously. In that case, leave me out of it.