Ah, L.A. Drivers. Seems the California DMV is giving anyone with a fuckin’ pulse a license these days and in Los Angeles especially they’re handing them out like Halloween candy. Now one thing anyone who moves to L.A. knows is how important it can be to blend in with the crowd. That being said if you have remotely any ability to drive a vehicle without somehow crashing into a wall or cutting off every car around you, you’re already in the top 1% of drivers.
That’s a big no no. We need to bring you down to the mid 50% area for you to comfortably blend in with the environment, something Los Angeles residents have learned to do as the human chameleons they are. So how do we drop you from the best of the best to the worst of the absolute worst? Easy.
Text at every red light – Perhaps one of the easiest ways to really become one of the typical shitty L.A. drivers is to sit on your phone at every single red light you stop for. Why? Well your attention span is so immensely damaged by this generation hooked on immediate gratification and on command dopamine releases that you can’t go 100 yards without checking to see if your ex watched your Instagram story of the last red light.
But this isn’t the point of the exercise. No, you see, once the light turns green it’s incredibly important that you remain on your phone for a minimum of 10 seconds while the rest of the cars around you take off normally. Being a shitty L.A. driver you no longer care enough to lift your head to check the color of the light. Now you wait for a honk from behind to remind you “oopsies! I’m driving, hehe!” Fucking unbelievable that this occurs almost every time you take your car for an outing but trust me when I say this will drop you down at least 15% on its own.
Drive extremely slow… Everywhere – Speed limit? Never heard of her. I think I’ll go 45 mph in the fast lane instead because I feel safe at this speed. Yes, that’s the mantra for a ridiculous majority of the people who literally drive on the freeways of California every goddamn day only to drive like miss Daisy’s having a fucking heart attack in the carpool lane. This will make you a more well rounded shitty L.A. driver, making your reach immensely larger with the ability to use freeways to take you all over town and inflict your traffic “skills” on everyone.
If someone honks at you make sure to flip them off as they pass by. They’re the ones being assholes for trying to go 65 mph in the fast lane. Seriously? I can’t pay attention to my book on tape with your speeding! But don’t limit your lack of speed to just the freeways. Make sure to go a minimum of 10 mph under the speed limit on every single street in L.A. You can never be too safe in this town. Remember, you can’t rear end somebody if you’re the one causing the traffic! You’re welcome.
Slap a “Coexist” sticker on your bumper – Am I virtue signaling myself? No! I’m just pointing out how virtuous I am. If I had a nickel for every time I saw some ridiculous sticker on someone’s bumper showing how great of a humanitarian or forward thinker they feel they are I’d be on Jeff fucking Bezos level. We get it Jasper, meat is murder. But plants scream too, dude. Guess we’ll just have to start eating sand to avoid inflicting any suffering at all, right? Maybe that’ll be a good bumper sticker. “Save a life, eat sand.”
It’s not enough to have the sticker though, you need to follow it up with a smug look on your face while driving anywhere. Get that chin up high, add a slight look of self satisfaction and you’re well on your way. Make sure to leave the windows up and A/C off so you can bask in the joy of smelling your own farts.
Cut off everyone in sight – I was born and raised in the infamous Southern California traffic, but nothing’s compared to the frequency of how often shitty drivers will cut you off in L.A. Now to accomplish this skill all you need to do is absolutely nothing. Don’t check your mirror, don’t look over your shoulder, hell, don’t even put your signal on! You’ve got a right turn coming up in 12 miles so you better cut over to the far right lane before it’s too late.
This skill is absolutely paramount to establishing yourself as a certified shitty L.A. driver. Once you’ve acquired the skill of cutting people off without caring you will have completed your training. When you start cutting into lanes without even thinking about the consequences for the car behind you you’ll be one of them. Wish I could say one of us but for some reason I have basic motor skills so I tend to not cut people off for no fucking reason. Oh, and make sure to get cut someone off only to jump right back in the same lane your started in initially. Remember, there’s absolutely no reason for this action. Gotta keep em on their toes, right?