Call me crazy, but I am not a fan of the Zoo. Aside from the whole ethical thing of keeping wild animals in unhomely enclosures, I mainly don’t like it for my own selfish reasons. First of all, zoos smell like absolute shit. Nobody has ever once been to a zoo and gone, “oh what a pleasant smell.” Do they think it’s enjoyable for me to have to try to hold my breath while I walk around piles of poo for the next four hours? I can think of literally 45,000 other things I’d rather do before that.
Plus, It’s also always so, incredibly, mind meltingly hot at the zoo, at all times. Of all the times I’ve gone to the zoo, it’s never once been a normal temperature. I know there’s lions and zebras there, but there’s absolutely no reason for it to always be sweltering like the Sahara. For God’s sake, would it kill anyone to buy some of those misty fans? You know, the ones they are legally required to have every 50 feet in Arizona. All that heat just accentuates the poo smell to the nth degree.
Another thing I hate about the zoo, in addition to the heat, it’s wayyyyy too much walking. It’s practically a 96 degree maze of turd. Who can possibly enjoy that? Want to fix the Zoo experience? Golf carts only. Sit my ass on one of those carts and drive me around to see the orangoutangs, STAT. Why anyone would want to spend nine hundred dollars to walk for ten miles worth of circles around various dungpiles is beyond me.
Also, hot take. The zoo would be way cooler if we didn’t have any cages. Sure we might have a couple more Harambe situations, but what can make you feel more alive than having to outrun a 12,000 lb African elephant on a Tuesday afternoon? Real talk though, those animals are either sad as shit or just straight up don’t want to be there. Honestly, if I want to see animals actually do cool shit, I can just watch all the Planet Earth series on Netflix. Or make more money and go to Africa to see animals really in the wild.
One last thing I hate about Zoos, the food sucks. Have you ever tried to go to the concession stand at the zoo? Not only are the churros $37, but they’re so stale, the giraffes wouldn’t even touch them.