July 29th offers a challenging experience for US citizens based on National Holidays that all happen at once. While July 29th is not literally national shit our pants day, we actually celebrate national chili dog day, lasagna day and chicken wing day. All of these options may cause consumers to experience explosive diarrhea or various other health concerns. Here are the specific things to look out for.
Chili dogs, while delicious, are a bowl movement disaster at best. If you chose to eat chili dogs today please be mindful of your surroundings and where the nearest bathroom is. High in fat and oil, chili dogs offer little health benefits while simultaneously raising your percentage of shitting yourself. I love Tommy’s myself, but try to go easy on the chili today. The only acceptable reason to eat as much chili as possible is to eat it right before a meeting and absolutely nuke the place with farts. Maybe it could be so bad that you get kicked out of the meeting itself. A lot to consider here.
Chance of Shitting Yourself: 8/10
Lasagna is near and dear to my heart as an Italian American who is also a huge Jersey Shore fan. Depending on your recipe, lasagna can subject the consumer to gobble down multiple pounds of cheese in one sitting. This is obviously a concern for anyone in terms of bowl control, especially if they are lactose intolerant. Rancid farts are also very much on the table after eating lasagna. I once made the mistake of eating half a lasagna before Christmas mass when I was 14 and I can honestly say that this was the worst act of violence I have ever made. I farted north of 100 times that mass. Please be wary of the amount of lasagna you eat today.
Chance of Shitting Yourself: 7.2/10
Chicken wings are a staple of American cuisine for many reasons. Almost nothing in the world goes together better than beer, wings and football. This combination can be deadly for most due to the high calorie count and increased chance of farts. I suggest eating 25+ wings and beers before a long road trip. The buzz will make the boring car ride more enjoyable while also creating a gas chamber inside the car. If your siblings or friends annoy you it’s possible to use this technique to gain some sort of sick and twisted revenge.
Chance of Shitting Yourself: 6.5
Please have fun today with your options and eat responsibly.