Happy Black Friday!

Last year, COVID kinda put a pause to the classic fights we’re used to seeing on Black Friday, but now we’re back and stronger than ever baby! America is vaxxed and ready to jump into the mix like the absolute consumerist savages we are. It’s American competitiveness, liberty, consumerism and capitalism all rolled up into one glorious holiday known as “Black Friday.” Except the only thing you celebrate is punching a Karen in the face in order to score a new 65″ TCL TV for $36. Ever want to see two 300lb women fight over a toaster oven? Today is your holiday.

Remember when stores used to actually be open on Thanksgiving Day in order to reel in consumers for the organized looting? Now, most big box retailers close on Thanksgiving to “Allow their employees to spend the holiday with their family.” Fuck that. Walmart is the backbone of our consumerist society and I’ll be damned if they aren’t running Black Friday deals on Thanksgiving Day. Not only do I WANT a PS5, I NEEED A PS5. And I’ll do anything I can (including absolutely wrecking a 12 year old kid) to get my hands on it.

I heard NFL scouts used to go to Best Buy every year at 5am just so they can see if there’s anyone worth adding to their (now depleted) November offensive line. Pretty sure that’s how Bobby Hart got signed. Some scout saw him absolutely DEMOLISH a single mother of three for a Blu-ray player back in 2015 and, as they say, the rest is history.

Can you believe those assholes who actually CAMP OUT outside of Target the night before (Thanksgiving, mind you) in negative 10 degree weather just so they can score a deal on tires? Absolute savages, but hey, that’s what this country was built on. Happy Black Friday everyone!