Where you should NEVER get your hair cut.

Alright, I just got the worst haircut of my life. I already look like shit and my hair is really the only thing I kind of have going for me before I go fully bald at 30 years old. Things aren’t looking good for me. But I just can’t get over the fact that I got. haircut just now that makes me look like a wannabe Jersey Shore cast member in 2009. Imagine if Ellen and Mike the Situation had a love child and thats the haircut I have right now….. Here are the places to ever get your hair cut…. ever.

Supercuts. I just went there. made an appointment for 6:30 PM Pacific standard time and they sat me down at 6:45. So the start wasn’t the best. I asked for a minor haircut of about an inch to an inch and a half. I ended up getting two and a half inches off on all sides of my head. I kind of look like a dog if you shave off part of its ass hair and glued it to the top of its head. It just isn’t a good look and I’m not sure what to do. I almost said fuck it and shave it all off but I don’t want my ears to get cold and thats a really serious situation.

Another reason why Supercuts sucks is because I’m pretty sure you don’t need a license to work there. This chick probably just showed up one day with a pair of scissors she found on the ground outside and they said “fuck it, she seems legit”. My mom could cut a better cut than this and she has arthritis in her hands. Also, the wait was way to long for booking an appointment. It doesn’t take that long to cut hair and this lady took a solid 35 mins for a cut that used a buzzer for most of it. Its set to one length? How can one mess that up and not realize it. Also, basic math was thrown out the window because she cut off nearly 50% more than I asked her too and she said it would “look longer when you style it”. It doesn’t look longer.

Next is Fantastic Sam’s. this place feels like a children’s haircut place if you gave it a shitload of Viagra. In all honesty, the people there give a good haircut but I just feel like a weirdo whenever I walk in that place.the last time I went there I felt like I should have asked for an action figure to go along with my haircut because of all the kids around. I seriously saw a kid throw up there once and it was hilarious. I wish I had it on video because it totally hit this woman shoes and I did laugh. It was before COVID and I didn’t have a mask so when she saw me laugh she looked more pissed than a Nun on the day that Magic Mike came out. Either way, Fantastic Sam’s makes me feel old so I don’t go there anymore and neither should you.

Where else can you go? Sports Clips is cool because they try to play it off like its for guys but the only people who go there are kids and old dudes who try to pick up chicks that cut hair. The last time I went there I tried to talk sports and the woman had no idea what I was talking about. I started a long monologue about how I think its insane to argue that Drew Doughty won’t be a first ballot hall of famer. The guy has two cups, two gold medals and a Norris trophy in like 8 years, that s first ballot if I’ve ever herd it. Anyways, they don’t know anything about sports other than the fact that LeBron James does in fact play basketball.

Last but YES LEAST. Cost Cutters. This place straight up sucks. Yes its reasonably cheap but you get almost nothing for what you get. Its constantly packed and they try to wheel through as many people in a day as possible. A lot of places do no reservation so it makes it really annoying to get a cut quickly. Also, they always do a shit job and you get what you pay for. I’m pretty sure they are the reason that lice is still a thing because none of the equipment is very clean. I can’t imagine the people there are cleaning anything regularly and they just give one haircut.

I asked for a buzz there when I was a kid and somehow got a crew cut. I looked like a pissed off military general who just filled for his 3rd divorce in like two years. It happens but I mean fuck, a crew cut every time I walk in? No thanks. Not for me. Avoid Cost Cutters at all costs. Lol see what I did there. Its a pun.