We gym regulars know the “new year new me” crowd’s still amongst us. Whether it’s Becky the single mom chasing her revenge bod to make her cheating ex husband jealous or simply some scrawny kid trying to throw on some muscle so it’s harder to stuff him into a locker, we all know the January 1st gym newbies that fade as the year goes on. But once the newly initiated fitness fad crew tapers off there remains a select group of gym regulars who are not a seasonal bunch. No, these people are on the grind day in and day out. They never stop, even if their gym habits are absolute trash.
Who then is amongst the group of hard to stomach individuals that constantly cram into the gym seemingly at the same 5:00 pm time slot as always? What’s funny is these people have almost become archetypes in the fitness world. Be it 24 Hour Fitness, L.A. Fitness, hell even Crunch, every gym deals with these people. Here’s a refresher on the gym regulars who constantly clog the benches during your workout:
The Forever Bulk – This type of gym going psychopath never learned the words “cut” or “stop eating you fat shit!” Once a skinny punk this guy has had a taste for gains and his appetite will never be satisfied. These dudes tend to compare themselves to The Rock or even Arnie, but as they’d describe themselves “a less lean version of.” All these dudes chase is strength, even if that means losing the ability to buckle their own seatbelt without having to turn their entire meatloaf body. These dudes are the most dedicated and consistent of the gym regulars.
SARMs Goblins – Ah yes, the Bryce Hall clones are here! For anyone who doesn’t know what SARMs is, basically it’s steroids for people that are too pussy to take legit steroids. These kids tend to show up in groups of no less than 3 to “motivate” each other and stay accountable for their SARMs buddies. The most irregular of the gym regulars, these kids workout twice a week and somehow stay ripped? Seems SARM-spicious.
Easy to spot, these guys usually have very little muscle tone but tend to be as lean as a starving dog. How are they lifting so much with a scrawny build like that you might ask? It’s just the SARMs dude. Don’t be impressed.
Roid Heads a.k.a. Small Package Gang – Even a gym beginner can spot someone that’s been ripping anabolic steroids for the past 5 years straight. These dudes are in the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY. Their entire personality is the gym. Take it away and they offer almost no other value to any conversation they’ve ever had. If these guys wait more than 2 minutes for a bench to open up there’s a high chance they’ll curse you out and threaten to throw you around like a rag doll. Don’t worry though, these puppies are all bark and no bite, especially because none of these douchebags have been in a fight in their entire roided out lives.
Often you’ll hear the small package gang say things like “I’m natty” or “I just have good genetics.” If jamming a dirty needle into your ass cheek 3 times a week just to inject more testosterone than a silverback gorilla to throw around some weight means “natty” then I’m a fucking mongoose.
Spidermans – I’m sure you’ve seen at least one video of someone using the gym equipment in a completely ridiculous way. Lat pulldowns? How about spidey swinging machine instead? For whatever reason these dudes have to use every single goddamn machine absolutely wrong. These types of people will deadlift a stationary bike because they think they’re going “outside the box” to shock their muscles. Ever see someone throw on so much weight it lifts them off the ground with every rep? That these guys. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No it’s a complete moron that needs to learn how to workout like a normal person.
Fingerless Gloves, Also Known as the John Wicks – Whatever you do, DO NOT ask these guys how many sets they have left. It will most likely end with an asshole response resulting in them telling you they have 23 sets of some ridiculous lift left. These guys are the absolute kings of half reps and huge egos. This is the exact person that needs to be told that showing up to the gym does not give you a “be a dick to everyone” card.
Often you’ll see the John Wicks wearing sunglasses with their sleeveless muscle shirts and fingerless gloves. If you ever see this deadly trio of a combination… RUN! You’re almost certain to get some comment about how off your form is followed up by them trying to show off how much stronger they think they are than you, even if they can barely bench the bar.
The Wannabe Influencers – “Hey man, you’re in my shot!” Yes, these people treat the gym like it’s a porn set, selling footage of their bodies in the hopes they’ll pick up a Gymshark sponsorship and a few free pairs of leggings. More often than not it tends to be the ladies that fall into this category, though the most insecure gym-going men that chase social media validation are guilty of the practice as well. The difference is people will actually watch Becky do hip thrusts in leggings that virtually show her naked ass. Nobody wants to see your fitness page with 100 followers, Chad. We get it, you’re working out. Now shut the fuck up.
The “12 Sets Left” Guy – We’ve all been there, waiting for a bench to open up in a crowded gym only to realize the guy sitting on his cell phone for 20 minutes in between sets isn’t going to be done anytime soon. On a tight schedule you might walk up to the guy and ask “how many sets do you have left?” To which they will almost undoubtably reply with either “12 sets” or “dude, I just got here.” These people seem to have no jobs or life at all because they’re spending 2/3’s of their time doing a ridiculous amount of sets at the gym. Arguably the most annoying of the gym regulars squad.
Don’t ever try to ask if you can work in with them. Even if they’ve been hogging the equipment for hours they’ll still somehow find a way to make you seem like the asshole in the situation. Best to just find another machine before you get sucked into doing 12 sets with them. You’ll never make it out.