You heard me. Enough with the “real, authentic, 100% Grade A natural Maple Syrup.” I want that good stuff. That thick, fake, sugary, buttery syrup that only Aunt Jemima can provide.
Supermarket syrup has all the makings of a lab concoction gone wrong, but that’s what makes it so good. Sure “real” maple syrup is probably healthier and better for you, but this fake stuff is so rich, thick and flavorful where the real stuff just kinda tastes like faint maple water. I don’t want my pancakes to have to contend with puddles of “real” syrup. I want it drowning in thick, sweet, maple goop.
Seriously, fake maple syrup outweighs real maple syrup and you can’t tell me different. Throw me some plastic bottled Mrs. Butterworth’s over the fancy-schmancy “Vermont Natural” any day. I know it’s fake, I know what I’m getting into. It’s not like going to the Olive Garden and expecting real Italian food.
It’s honestly like crack. No, sidenote, you know what’s actually like crack? These See’s Candies Maple Cashew Brittle. Oh my God, they’re unbelievable.
But back to the fake syrup, I looked at the ingredients. Maybe I’m an idiot, but Aunt Jemima doesn’t actually contain any maple syrup. It’s corn syrup with about a million and a half additives. How fucking wild is that? And then if you actually look at the bottle, it just says “Original Syrup” no mention of the word “Maple” anywhere. Have we been bamboozled?
America’s been housing what we thought was actual maple syrup for decades only to find out that it doesn’t actually contain any real maple syrup. Normally, I’d be outraged. However, in this case, I might just have to look past this fraud, because it’s just so damn good.
Is it wrong? Yes. Do I want my pancakes swimming in in this buttery, sugary, fake imposter of a syrup all the time? Also, yes. Did I write this after just downing an entire bottle of syrup and I have 12,000% of my recommended daily value of sugar coursing through my veins? Maybe.