Fuck Families who Turkey Trot before Thanksgiving dinner

That’s right, I said it. I absolutely loathe families who get up early on Thanksgiving morning in order to run three miles together. If you or anyone in your family is getting up this morning and the first thing on your mind is the 5k you’re about to run instead of the turkey you’re about to devour… you’re an absolute hardo.

What is the point of getting up early and running a 5k on Thanksgiving? So you can feel morally superior than everyone who didn’t run a marathon before scarfing down ungodly amounts of homestyle cooking? Why tarnish good, old fashioned American gluttony with exercise?

This is the one day a year to let loose and give in on any of our vices, whatever they may be. I’m not gonna ruin it by doing literally the worst thing on earth, running. We have to use today to enjoy life’s blessings and give thanks. Not ruin my feet to the point where I can’t even enjoy my dinner.

And great, you ran three miles the same day that I scarfed down a literal pound of mashed potatoes. There’s no reason to tell everyone at the Thanksgiving about it. And honestly… I would argue that my feat is way more impressive. What is the point? Embrace American gluttony. Don’t work out. Instead, be thankful that we get to live in a country that values baking cinnamon, marshmallows and brown sugar on top of sweet potatoes. That is America in a dish, right there. Skip the trot, go straight for the turkey.