Free Sobotka!

Even with a hotly-contested playoff push just breathing down our necks, this might be the wildest news coming out of the NHL this week. Longtime Detroit Red Wings Zamboni driver, Al Sobotka has been fired after he was caught peeing down an ice drain in an empty Zamboni garage.

Gotta be honest, when I first saw this article, I thought it was a total shitpost. “Haha, funny, Zamboni driver pees down an ice drain.” Then I kept seeing it and started reading more and was like, “holy shit, this is a legit thing.” Al’s been a Zamboni driver for the Wings for for the last 51 years. That’s right, just over half a century of service only to be canned in once of nature’s most vulnerable moments.

Every guy in America has once peed at an inopportune time out of pure necessity. Sometimes, you just can’t hold it any longer. That’s why I believe every man should get an EMERGENCY PEE PASS, once a year. Just a license to freely pee whenever they most need to and just can’t hold it in any longer. They can use it wherever they need, as long as they are discreet and there are no children around.

As someone who also suffers from frequent urination, myself I can’t help but feel partly discriminated against. Having to pee often is never a reason one should lose their job, especially one that’s been legendarily held for 51 years. Sometimes you just gotta go. Granted my worst moments usually occur when waiting in line to get into Townhouse, (and same with that one time I peed myself while riding a Bird scooter), but still. Usually, you just can’t help it. I feel for the man.

Al peed directly into a sewage drain when NOBODY was around, you seriously can’t get any more classy than that. The ironic thing is that if Sobotka had been sitting at a conference table with twelve people and just peed himself right there due to his poor prostate condition, nobody would say anything. But because this man went out if his way to make it less awkward for others, he wound up getting canned. Not right, Red Wings… not right. This is ridiculous, who hasn’t peed down a drain?!? Give the man his job back!