I like to think of myself as a seasoned fast food veteran, long consuming the highly fattening concoctions since I was a young boy. In my 20+ years of fine-tuning my takeout pallet with every drive thru meal imaginable I’ve established a respectable hierarchy and ranking order of which fast food restaurants are the best. Though the list took two decades of my life and arguably shed the same amount of time off my life expectancy, I’ve never really looked at how I’d interact with these restaurants in a long term setting. So let’s play a game here. Fuck, marry, Kill: McDonalds, Taco Bell or In-N-Out?
First things first, I’d fuck the shit outta McDonalds. Easy choice here because McDonalds is the one night stand you never want to have again. It’s the whore of restaurants that’s been ridden more than the town bicycle. You get in, get your blowjob (McRib) and get out. Long term should never even be an afterthought, everyone and their brother’s ran train on McDonalds. Trust me, just get a quickie McChicken from this one and never call them again.
Who would I marry? Absolutely, 100% In-N-Out. Now I didn’t say I wouldn’t eventually divorce In N Out over their horrendous fries and leave them for Five Guys, but I’d definitely enjoy my glory years with double doubles on deck day in and day out… or day in n out I guess I should say. Marriage is the long term commitment and out of the three choices In-N-Out just seems like my arteries would clog at the slowest rate with their food quality, so Imma enjoy my animal fries and settle down with a California classic.
Finally the obvious… kill Taco Bell before it kills you. Any restaurant, fast food or not, that gives you a 50/50 chance of shitting your pants after eating their food should never be considered for marriage. Taco Bell is the Tijuana hooker you raw-dogged in the back alley of some shit hole bar at your friend’s bachelor party. If you went down on a chalupa then you best believe you’re bringing something home to your wife, In-N-Out. Easy decision here. Take Taco Bell to a remote location, get a pillow case and suffocate this restaurant before it destroys anyone else’s intestinal tract for good.