It’s Fight Night Friday, bitches! After last weeks stunning victory for Mike Tyson over Kpop group BTS, we decided to spice things up a bit and put two of the grittiest but under the radar groups of human beings against each other in a 12 round cage match. So this Friday let’s ask the question we’ve all been waiting for; Who would win in a fight, 2 homeless people or 12 Kindergarteners?
With our first contender… FIGHTING! Out of the red corner, hailing from some random elementary school playground, standing at a staggering average of 3’11” and weighing in at 45 lbs each, the savages that ravage, 12 Kindergarteners! If you’ve ever met a 6 year old child, especially boys, then you know how ruthless these kids can be. If their fresh out of college kindergarten teachers weren’t there to wrangle them in at nap time every day then these kids would tear anything and anyone in front of them completely apart with ease. Now their size and lack of developed bodies and brains are major disadvantages in this fight, clearly. But as children they have that x factor of not giving a fuck what they do or the consequences they’ve yet to learn about for absolutely beating the shit out of someone like a bunch of flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. 3’11” doesn’t sound scary, but would you step in the cage with 12 miniature psychopaths? I didn’t think so.
Onto our opponent. FIGHTING! Out of some tent on the Venice boardwalk, both standing at 5’6″ and weighing in at 85 lbs each, TWO HOMELESS PEOPLE! I know what you’re thinking, two grown adults against a bunch of toddlers should be an easy victory for these guys, but keep in mind… They’re extremely passionate meth enthusiasts. This means their bones are brittle, muscle tone is next to nothing and it’s essentially rotted their brains to remove any potential for strategy in a cage match like this. Advantages of the meth? Their hair’s probably falling out which means it’s one less thing for the kids to grab on, and their smell will definitely be an x factor in fazing the kids with their noxious fumes. So with these factors in mind, how would this fight go?
I see the kindergarteners flying right out of the gate and immediately jumping on any part of homeless person they can latch onto. Both opponents will be biting and scratching each other as that’s the go-to attack for either corner’s strategy, but with no bottles or shopping carts to slam into the kids the homeless people are overwhelmed immediately. The two adults use their scrappy natures to poke eyes, pull hair and bite as many limbs as possible which takes out at least 4 kids in the first few minutes of round 1, but ultimately the remaining 8 kindergarteners wear down and stomp out their homeless opponents. It’s a first round victory for the kindergarteners with absolute ease that comes with a life lesson for the victors… Don’t smoke crack, kids.