Dos and Don’ts for your company holiday party

Ahh tis the season to don ugly sweaters and get absolutely blasted with Janet from accounting. That’s right, the annual company holiday party is coming up and after a Covid-induced hiatus, people are have the itch to unnecessarily drink with coworkers stronger than ever.

Remember when Zoom holiday parties were a thing? Ugh, the absolute worst. “Alright, let’s all get on the thing we already use for shitty, boring meetings, except now we’ll do it at night with alcohol from our homes.” Zoom drinking sessions have to be the most awkward thing of all time. It’s not like a party or a bar where you can walk around or maybe mingle. It’s literally 35 drunk people all shouting over the internet at each other all at once and there’s nothing that anybody can do to control it.

But now that people are back in the office, everyone’s rearing to get back to holiday parties the old fashioned way. So here are some dos and don’ts for your company’s annual holiday tooser.

Wear the most egregious holiday sweater you can think of. Everyone remembers the gal dressed in the “Santa’s Favorite Ho” sweater. This is your chance to remove the corporate drab and really show off your personality. Take advantage.

Open bar means open bar. Nothing says “responsible colleague” like getting shitfaced with Evelyn from HR. Plus, it’s your company’s money being used to pay for this giant party, right? Get your money’s worth back in rum and cokes. Not getting hammered on the companies dime is a sin… you earned it.

Lay chum but not too much chum. Remember, HR rules still apply during the holidays. But make sure you show the company you’re a risk taker and a smart businessman by hitting on every colleague you can. It’s a numbers game, eventually one has to hit, right? Worst case, you pine some chick that doesn’t actually work for the company but got the invite because back in August she did some “consulting.” Actually, while you’re at it, hit on the CEOs wife. Wanna assert company dominance? Forget spreadsheets. Make sure the CEO knows your determination and drive. And nothing shows that more than literally bagging his wife.

Happy Holidays, party responsibly!