March 31, 2023

The Tap Daily

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Could I Kick Batman’s Ass?

Out of pure boredom and a day long binge of The Dark Knight trilogy I’ve created a hypothetical situation where I somehow have ended up in Gotham as a super villain, reigning terror on the people of Gotham. My power? I make people realize how stupid they are for willingly living in a city that’s constantly under attack by maniacs. Seriously, why not just leave? Anyways, in this situation obviously I’d be confronted by the city’s only hope, Batman. So in my initial encounter with the Dark Knight I wonder to myself, could I kick batman’s ass?

Obviously Batman has some major advantages in this situation. He’s rich so his resources are unlimited, he’s well trained to fight, he’s probably on steroids and has a strange amount of strength, and he’s got a sick bat mobile which honestly just looks cool more than anything. Me on the other hand, I’m 6’7″ 225lbs so I’m no spring chicken for ol’ Brucy boy. However I have no money, no formal fighting training, and drive a Tahoe. Luckily I’m not on steroids here so my balls are exponentially larger than Waynes, so that’s a plus in my book. Given all these circumstances, the fight is less than interesting.

could I kick batman's ass

Batman easily kicks my ass. Did you really expect anything else? I mean the dude’s a certifiable psychopath dressed as a human-sized bat. You really think I stand a chance against a guy with razor blades on his forearms? I mean he doesn’t try to kill people but I know for a fact Batman’s been keeping the Gotham ICU at capacity way before COVID was putting anyone in there. Sure, I’d throw a punch but he’d immediately break my arm and then slam me to the ground.

My only chance here would be to sneak a gun in or something and hope I get through his armor, but in this scenario I was in the middle of a 3 day waiting period to get approved for a hand gun, so thanks to the government Batman kicks my ass here, with ease.

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