September 26, 2022

The Tap Daily

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Could I Ferociously Beat Up a Chimpanzee?

I recently visited a zoo in San Diego which was a spectacular experience until I reached the chimpanzee cage. When I walked up to the glass to stare at the majestic, human-like creatures I found most of them to be minding their own business, but then I spotted him. Amongst the crowd of primates, one had a staring problem. But despite my best efforts, he wouldn’t look away so naturally out of territorial reflex I charged the glass only to be pulled back by security.

I’ve lost weeks of sleep over this incident knowing that monkey’s sitting in their, laughing with his chimp friends thinking he got the best of me. Sweet revenge is on my mind day and night knowing I could easily sneak into that cage and brawl down once and for all to see who the real beast is between us. So who would win that bout, me or the chimp?

Chimpanzee

Assuming all rules are out the window we immediately know he will attack me from a distance, keeping his perimeter by throwing poop at me. But little does he know I can throw poop, too so I hit him back which offsets the initial attack. Once his poop inevitably runs out he’ll surely swing in the night using darkness as his ally, but I was born in the dark… molded by it, and easily would catch him with a tackle.

Finally, once we’re face to face we brawl like never before seen. I’d obviously have the intelligence upper hand and would throw vicious combinations to his dome, dazing him. If he gets me to the ground I’m almost certain he’d use the chimp patented double hammer fist whack to weaken me and would absolutely try to bite my fingers off. But jokes on him, I still have the poop on my hands from before so now he’s got a mouth full of poop and a broken ego.

All it takes is that one blow. Once I land that power punch to his stupid monkey face it’s lights out for Curious George and I take my reign as king of the chimps… at the San Diego zoo. I’d end my dominant performance by urinating on my opponent, an act he’d almost certainly do to me as a mark of domination. The next morning the zoo keepers would initially freak out seeing me at the top of the habitat, but then they’d quickly realize the truth… I’ve become alpha chimp.

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