Let me paint you a picture. It’s 9pm, you’ve gone a long day without much food and you’re ravenous. You’re nearing the hour where the only options open will be Ronny Mac’s or T Bell, but you’re not shit-faced and you’re too sober to stoop to that level. There’s only one option at this point…Chipotle. Now, we all know Chipotle closes at 10pm, so when its 9pm and Chipotle is calling last round, you’d expect the place to be filled with seasoned Chipotle veterans trying to get their last fix for the day. You get in line ready to order like a machine, but a sudden obstacle stands between you and your feeding. You suddenly find yourself behind some indecisive troll that has no clue what they want.
What seems to be too often at this hour, you’re behind some buffoon that has never been graced with the pleasure of eating chipotle before. This is evident, because if you’re anything like me (longtime Chipotle vet) there’s maybe only three variations of your order and you know them to a motherfuckin’ T, e.g. Bowl, white rice, pinto, double chicken, pico de gallo, corn, sour crème, chez, quac, that’s all boss. I know this is your first time in Chipotle because ‘uhhs’ and ‘umms’ are between each decision. Or even worse, you change your mind on one of these very simple decisions.
Now, while every nerve in your entire body is inclined to shout something out that would get the whole line clapping, like ‘Keep it moving, skippy!’ But everyone knows that Chipotle ordering, including lines is an intricate mental game with you and your Chipotle purveyor. Chipotle can be a fickle bitch, and your demeanor can have a direct correlation with the size of your portions, and even possibly the quality of your burrito roll. If you were to suddenly become that asshole in line, you might get skimped on rice, or even worse meat. So in these instances, you are forced into the incredibly frustrating predicament of standing still and smiling, and quietly screaming on the inside.
For this reason, these social pariahs that are new Chipotle patrons, are never appropriately confronted on their adverse behavior. So, I will take this opportunity to voice what many Chipotle lovers’ wish they could express. In what world do you get to the front of a long line and not know what to fucking order? Are you this indecisive with the rest of your life? How complacent are you in your insignificant mundane life that you have a whole 5 minutes to build a fucking burrito, yet still somehow act is if you don’t even know where you are? This is Chipotle, sir. This isn’t a fucking game. What you don’t realize is that this entire line is filled with people who treat Chipotle like your routine of showering in the morning. We know the drill, and nobody likes a line, so we all make sure we move through like our life depends on it.
There should be a new law in place, much like no turn signs during rush hour. If you’ve never been to Chipotle before, do not go between the hours of 12pm-2pm, and 7pm-10pm. These are pro hours only, and time frames that require no funny business. But, if you are eager and want to be on the fast track to be a Chipotle veteran and are not already, I suggest a few things. Do your research; a little googling never hurts, take a look online and see what looks good. Practice your order; once you’ve decided what you like, practice reading your order like memorizing lines in a play. And, once you’re in line acknowledge the fact that everyone in Chipotle is a relative burden to the other person and their time. So please, Chipotle new comers, abide by these rules, or be subjected to an eternity of passive aggressive stares, and exhaling from everyone else present.