Last week, I went to a theater for the first time since before the pandemic to take in the new Bond movie. And while I’m no real action/Bond fan, it was mainly nice to just be in a theater watching a blockbuster movie with other people again. So while the movie was, fine…. I soon came to realize that a THREE HOUR movie has absolutely no business running for three hours straight.
About three quarters of the way through the movie, the bottle of pinot grigio I had smuggled into the theater and since drank, snuck up on me, quick. I had to pee like a racehorse. I was squirming in my seat, pinching my dick like it was about to explode. It seriously prevented me from enjoying the last 30 minutes of what was the biggest theatrical release of the year. And some of you are like, “Brockwell, just go to the bathroom” and I’m like fuck no. For one, I’m not a peasant with an aisle seat. I sit in the middle, so getting up to relieve my bladder would turn me into that one asshole who gets up in the middle of the movie only to sashay through an entire row of people and ruin the entire vibe of the theater. I am not going to be that guy. Second, I paid $47 for this movie ticket, there’s no way in hell I’m missing any of this movie. Bladder failure or not.
Then I thought to myself… why the fuck do movies not have an intermission halfway through? Seriously, if I had gotten a pee break at an hour and half in, I could’ve sat back, relaxed and actually enjoyed the ending to an actually entertaining movie. Instead, I recoiled in my seat trying to focus on anything but white-wine pee bursting through my jeans. Any movie that is over two hours and fifteen minutes NEEDS to have an intermission break halfway through. I mean seriously.
If your movie is really that good, then people will want to sit for an overall longer time through it, especially if they have had 15 minutes to go to the bathroom and re-up their popcorn. Give the people a chance to get up, stretch their legs, relieve their bladders and cop some more Buncha Crunch. If you’re like me, and 99% of other people, you devour ALL you popcorn in the first fifteen minutes of the film and are left with nothing to enjoy for the rest. How sick would it be to have a built in break where you can get even more popcorn and snacks to finish you off for the second half!?!?
I don’t know, having an intermission seems like a win-win, for everyone. The theaters get a designated time to sell even MORE concessions at halftime and you get a chance to step away and let out that brutal fart you’ve been holding in since Act 1. Here, the theaters could even sell “come back” tickets meaning you pay for two popcorns right at the beginning. Get the first one, then come back during the intermission break with a claim ticket to pick up a fresh, hot second one. That seems genius to me. Plus, that cuts down on the second half line because the theaters would know exactly know much popcorn they need to have prepared.
Broadway shows have it right, break it at halftime and let people breathe!! Let people actually digest what they’ve been watching for the last hour and half! I’m all for introducing a ten minute intermission right in the middle of a theater movie. Or else I’m just going to keep watching movies at home, where I can happily take all the pee breaks I want.