Bowling is Objectively the Worst Activity

Today is National Bowling Day which is my annual reminder to say, screw bowling.

It’s such a dumb activity, I seriously don’t understand how people enjoy it.

First off, there’s a reason every bowling alley built after the year 1990 has a million TV’s, fancy neon lights, and drink specials up the wazoo… it’s because the actual activity of bowling sucks and once people started to realize that, they needed to do everything they could to make the experience somewhat enjoyable. I’m telling you, the only time I’ve ever enjoyed myself in a bowling alley was after downing three Long Island Iced Teas in the bar beforehand.

The actual game itself is stupid. For the average person it’s just an hour of rolling a heavy ball back and forth, whoop de fucking do. What’s that? You knocked down some pins? But you didn’t hit all of them and now you have to try it again? And then do that eleven more times? I mean, at the end of the day, you’re rolling a ball, that’s it any idiot could do it. There’s a reason most children have their birthday parties at bowling alleys and not golf courses. It’s a mindless, children’s activity. There’s no real point. Plus, it’s so needlessly frustrating. I’d say on average, roughly a quarter of the balls I roll, wind up being gutterballs. Which sucks. If I’m supposed to enjoy doing a leisurely activity, I shouldn’t *not* be able to do it. That’s why, whenever I’ve been dragged bowling, I insist on having the bumpers up. At least then I can do some bank shots and make it a little interesting.

While bowling with a large group *can* be fun, it usually isn’t because oftentimes there’s the one hardo that takes everything wayyyyyy too seriously. Shut up, Greg, nobody cares you’re about to “kill this spare.” Just roll the damn ball, I’ve been waiting thirty minutes for my God damn chicken tenders and I am not having a good time.

Plus, It’s also sooo gross. Like the entire experience is nasty. I don’t think I’ve ever felt “clean” coming out of a bowling alley. Just sticking your fingers in those nasty little tiny holes that a million other people have stuffed their disgusting digits into is probably the second worst part of the experience behind having to wear crappy 30 year old shoes containing leftover foot fungus from generations ago. The whole thing is unsanitary and should be abolished from the American pastime.