Before you rush to judgement on the title alone, let me give you a realistic scenario. Say you’re in your thirties, newly married to the love of your life and you decide to take your three beautiful children to the zoo for a fun family activity. Everything’s going great, the kids are having fun, little Johnny got a chance to see the giraffe enclosure he’d been whining about the whole goddamn car ride over. Then it happens.
For whatever reason a disgruntled zoo employee of 40 years gets the news he won’t be getting the retirement pension he’d been promised his entire career. So he snaps. On a whim of pure rage and revenge he decides to release every safety gate in the zoo, freeing every wild animal in the entire hyper fake animal kingdom.
Suddenly you and your family are surrounded by vicious koalas and ravenous chimpanzees ready to bite your dick off and toss your kids in the air like pizza dough. You have two choices in this scenario: Either run and hope the 60 mph cheetahs don’t catch your dumbass, or stay and fight. Me personally? I’d dawn the nunchucks I’d keistered and snuck through zoo security and absolutely go to work. So if I were in a situation like this absurd zoo scenario I’ve created, what animals could I absolutely destroy in the greatest fight of my life?
Otters – “But they’re so cute and cuddly!” Famous last words before Chip the sea otter shreds Becky’s face off with his razor sharp otter teeth. Never underestimate the brutality of the sea otter. These bad boys tend to stick together, often traveling in packs. With this knowledge I’d have to find a section of the zoo that bottlenecks in the hopes they’d narrow their pack into manageable numbers like the Persians at the hot gates in 300.
In this scenario I’m Gerard fucking Butler because these otters would be getting absolutely wrecked. Anything football sized like the otter is easily puntable, and therefore my uncanny leg strength will greatly come in handy. Once my fatigue sets in inevitably, out will come the ridiculously long zoo-themed margarita stick I bought to deal with my nagging wife earlier in the day. Combined with the slight buzz I’d have from its contents it’d be batter up in the otter ball game and let’s just say Barry Bonds is on his juice today. Otters: 0. Me: 1.
Monkeys – Who’s next in my zoo wrath tirade? The fuckin’ monkeys. I’d assume an ambush of chimps would be planning to flank me given what they’d just seen me do to their otter brethren, so I’d have to back myself into a wall to keep the attack in front of me. I’m sure they’d have to set aside their primitive rivalry with the spider monkeys to team up and assert their chance at defeating me, but little do they know I’ve now grabbed the banana stash from the zookeeper who’s been incapacitated in the chaos.
As their only kryptonite I’d toss the bucket of bananas into a concentrated pile to which every ape in the area would be drawn like flies on shit. Once they were all in a banana dog pile I’d find the chain holding up the ridiculously oversized zoo map hanging conveniently over the chimp pile and chop that bad boy in half, thus turning each of the monkeys into their own versions of Flat Stanley. Try peeling that banana, ya damn monkeys! Monkeys: 0. Kyle: 1.
Sharks – Does the expression shooting fish in a barrel ring any bells for you? This one’s too fuckin’ easy. I don’t care if the sharks are “staying neutral” in this one. That just means they know they’ll lose if they even try so they refuse to join the fight. But no worries, I’ll gladly bring the fight to them when I throw a big ass rock at the tank’s glass and watch them flop around on the cement like a bunch of punk ass fish. Easy dubs. Sharks: 0. Kyle: 1.
Parrots – To make our final escape the family would most likely have to navigate through the bird exhibit which is now filled and completely controlled by parrots. Bodies will likely line the floors as these parrots now have a taste for human flesh, a hunger they will never satisfy. But unluckily for the parrots, daddy’s got a cannon and a shitload of rocks all over the place… Aka ammunition.
One by one beaks would be shattered as I aggressively dome the colorfully feathered bastards with my rock wrath. MLB recruits would cream in their pants at the throwing clinic I’d be putting on. And as we carefully stepped over the beakless remains of our fallen parrot friends my family would be home free. Parrots: 0. Me: 1.