An ode to Laundry Day

Ahhhhh laundry day… Like most guys, I’ll wait till I have absolutely not one piece of underwear or essential clothing left before deciding “alright, it’s that time of the month, again.” And well, today just happens to be that day (actually, it was yesterday, but when I went to do my laundry then, I realized I had no more Tide Pods (seriously have no clue on how to use liquid detergent) so I re upped my Pod game and pushed Laundry Day to today). Clothes, sheets, towels, everything’s getting CLEANED!! While I’ve been doing my laundry for years- I have no problem in coming out and saying I still have no idea what the fuck I’m actually doing. And for some reason, I think most men can relate.

I’ve been blessed recently to have an in-apartment washer/dryer combo (and believe me, I know how lucky I am. I used to lug a hamper bag nearly half a mile to a communal laundry center for years. If my next apartment doesn’t have an in-house washer/dryer I might just end my career and move home again) so now I’m just beasting and feasting throwing my dirties from my bedroom right into the wash room.

Ok, here’s my method…. Load that sucker (to the brim), throw in three Tide Pods (yes three, I’m tryna get this shiz cleannnnn), put it on “Cold/HEAVY” and let ‘er rip. That’s it, quick efficient, gets the job done (most of the time).

Are we really separating colors? Is that still a thing? I feel like someone told our parent’s, parents to do that once years ago when they were washing clothing in old oak barrels and fabrics and dyes were so different from what they are now, and then they just kept telling us to do that generations later. So while there’s no real scientific need to in 2022, I feel like some people do it anyway (also, disclaimer- I have no idea what I’m talking about when it comes to clothing care and laundry so please take everything I say with like a million grains of salt, we could 1,000% still need to separate all our clothes when it comes to washing them).

And then after and hour and change, once that’s done, I’ll rip these clothes right in the dryer. I mean, there’s always this massive fear that the dryer is going to shrink all of your clothes, right? That’s my serious, number one, main fear- like honestly, if all of my clothes shrink and I’m left to walk around in tight ass shirts that make my moobs look 10x bigger than they actually are, I might just never go out in public again. So I’m super careful to tumble dry them on low, and maybe even let ’em spin around a bit more than they need to just in case.

And then, voila! Your clothes are fresh and clean, and you’re a new man. A little foldy fold and hangy hang and you’re ready to take on life again. The musty dorm room smell is gone and you can go out confidently into the world, saying “I am a clean man.”

Anyway, to anyone out there taking care of laundry today, I salute you. May all your stains come out and your clothes smell fresh.