America’s newest reality show family has stepped into the dark empty pit the Kardashians have left us with; the D’Amelio family has signed a contract with the devil and have released their own reality show, The D’Amelio Show. If you don’t know who the D’Amelios are you’re probably pretending you don’t. Charli D’Amelio has launched her family into a household name through TikTok, and no one could be happier about it than her sweaty-grease ball father.
If you watch the trailer, the essence of the show they are trying to sell you on is a Hillbilly of Beverly Hills type narrative; the family has made this move from depressing-ass Connecticut to California, and above all else the parents just want Charli and her sister Dixie to be happy and to have a normal childhood. A reoccurring line the father delivers in the show is, “If it’s ever bad for the girls, we’ll move back.”
These statements are coupled with reoccurring scenes of his daughters sobbing because someone on the Internet told them to kill themselves. But he’s always there to assure them they can give it all up to move back to Connecticut. We all know every cell in this man’s body is focused on hoarding his money made by his daughters being ogled by pedophiles on the Internet.
One cannot even fathom the soullessness in this man’s eye when he tells his daughters they’ll leave everything behind for him to go back to Connecticut and sell athleisure to overweight children and 60 year-old women. And nothing ensures your daughters’ happiness and the promise of a normal childhood than airing the last aspect of your private life on internationally syndicated television.
Beyond the clear child abuse that we so often embrace in reality television, the show is baseless. “We’re just a normal family.” Says the brainless mom. No shit, the first episode centers on Charli trying to find a can opener. As a consumer of complete trash, I require a family like the Osbournes or the Kardashians; families built on scandal and betrayal, where we watch each ‘character’ of the show slowly slip into a downward spiral of drug addiction and sex-tapes. There is nothing remarkable about this family other than their fame, and that becomes clear when watching the show feels like watching a poor reenactment of an already mundane life.
Maybe the D’Amelio family should move back to Connecticut and save themselves from us all rooting for them to destroy themselves. That’s what we come to reality TV for, to watch people ruin their lives to make us feel better about ourselves. There’s nothing exciting about a humble family and a sociopathic father trying to hold the guise of their normal family life together, knowing he could lose everything at any moment.
We’re just watching some poor loser being shoved into the spotlight, and nervously sweating until we realize there’s nothing there and we start hoping he bangs a prostitute and ruins it all. Charli, take a tip from your Hollywood predecessors and ditch your sad family and sign a contract with the Devil in your own blood.