Aggressive Mustache Styles

As a standard American 26 year old guy, It’s safe to say that I love a good mustache as much as anyone.   Not only does a guy with a mustache scream professional energy, but they also present an established alpha presence while also loving to party.  Mustaches are in right now and I want to highlight some top notch designs below: 

The Handlebar style makes you immediately the toughest guy in the room.  Even if you are barely 5’2 and wear a pink shirt you’ll look tough as shit with handlebars hanging off of your face.  I met one dude in the wild with this style of mustache and he yelled at me when I told him I couldn’t jump start his car because I didn’t have jumper cables.  Total alpha move. Cons for handlebars include a crippling drug dependency, crumbs get stuck in your mustache and the fact that too many women want to date you. 

The Walrus is the most dominant mustache a guy could have.  When I see someone with the walrus I immediately assume that they work in law enforcement or are a firefighter.  When I’m old enough, I want to grow this out while I stand on my porch and yell at everyone that walks by with a sense of authority.  Also, I’m pretty sure I would wear a trench coat every Halloween for the rest of my life. Be careful, however, because many civilians confuse this with a pedophiles mustache. We don’t want anyone to see the inside of a jail cell so if you rock this mustache I advise you to stay away from parks, schools and any summer camps.

The Lip Curl is a sophisticated and put together look.  I imagine anyone who rocks this stache regularly smokes tobacco out of a pipe that they got from a thrift shop and probably listens to Billie Eilish before they go to bed at night.  I have a couple friends who rock this and they both are aspiring TikTok influencers who have about 700 followers each.  If I had this mustache I would definitely go to wine bars and lie to everyone by pretending I know what I am talking about.  Cons for this style are upkeep, it gets ruined in the wind and that this style is very unsafe because you could easily poke someone’s eye out with that thing.