February 2, 2023

The Tap Daily

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A Step by Step Guide to a Proper Saturday Bender

Saturday Benders are not for the faint of heart. It takes a very passionate alcohol enthusiast to consistently subject one’s own body to a constant flow of poison for a 12 hour period. I believe my doctor called it “binge drinking” and “borderline alcoholism” but I had no idea what he was talking about, not like I went to medical school to throw big words around like that. Regardless, if you’re gonna hit the weekend bender you better be doing it right. So here’s a step by step guide to a proper Saturday bender:

Wake up and immediately start slammin’. The bender’s gotta start somewhere, right? Throw a few beers in the fridge the night before, swap out that morning coffee for the alcoholic beverage of your choice and go ahead and guzzle that first one down as fast as possible. Make sure you have a drink ready to go for the shower, too. Can’t allow any lag time in alcohol flow if you’re gonna bend properly.

Always have a drink in hand. If you’re breathing, you’re sippin’. By now you should’ve finished your first drink, slammed your shower beer, brushed your teeth in Budweiser and have a decent buzz to start the day off. Now from here it’s important to pace yourself. Starting off strong and getting to another level of shit faced is recommended, but once you attain this stage of drunk keep yourself on a constant but paced flow of drinks. If you stop, the buzz is gone and bender failed. So make sure you always have a drink in hand to stay in the pocket.

Bend with a friend. At one point in the day you may begin to lose moral, which is understandable. The body will begin to tell you to stop, but you can’t give in no matter how much you think you’re gonna puke. To keep the morale up I highly recommend having a bender buddy with you to keep you accountable for any wounded soldiers you might leave behind or any waters you’ll try to sneak in between beers. Binging with friends is the ultimate rule to the Saturday bender. Get a group, hit a bar and keep each other accountable. Don’t drink alone like a loser, drag your friends into the bender and slam responsibly, my friends. Cheers!

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