3 Essentials for Being a Guy

Being a guy is a strangely universal way of existing when it comes to the male species. The amount of similarities in behavior, maturity, lifestyle and even sense of humor are unbelievably similar across the board for men worldwide. I’m sure even during World War I someone let out a giant fart that had both the Germans and Americans busting out laughing on both sides of the battlefield simply due to the fact that we can’t help but let out a chuckle at any sound of flatulence.

For the most part men seem to get along and bond over how easy going and simple we like to go about living our lives. The strangest part of the whole thing is nobody taught us to be this way… almost as if the Y chromosome comes with a specific capacity to live life in the most basic way possible. Sure, every guy is unique in their own way but for the most part we’re all cast from a strangely similar mold. So what are these essential similarities that come with being a guy?

3-in-1 minimum Body Wash – As men us guys are more than happy using the same shit to wash our face, clean our bodies, our hair, hell we’d brush our goddamn teeth with it if we could. It’s an absolute staple for being a guy to have a minimum of a 3-in-1 soap in the shower. Don’t see it next to your man’s tub? Check under the sink. I guarantee he’s got one of those bad boys stashed away somewhere.

Think about it though ladies; would you rather spend $50 on separate shampoos, conditioners and face washes? Or would you prefer all of that to be bundled into one, semi-toxic concoction that smells like pine musk for the low price of $5? I’ll take the pine musk all day baby!

That One Yellow Flat Pillow – Something about a flat pillow makes sleeping an absolute breeze for me and I know I speak for all guys when I say this pillow is easily their favorite out of the bunch, if they even have any more pillows to compare. Yes, men will use the same worn out pillow for half their goddamn lives before their girlfriends nag them into buying more. But trust me when I say he’s not throwing that thing out on his own.

Do you know how many times I’ve tossed and turned only to grab that cool, flat miracle of a pillow and fall asleep harder than a baby with narcolepsy? More times than any of us dudes can count. If you want to stay in a relationship with your man, ladies, DO NOT TOUCH the yellow flat pillow!

If You’re Single, a Ridiculously Bare and Basic Living Room / Gaming Setup – Trust me when I say if every guy had their own place and no girlfriend to worry about impressing their living room would look like this… a single gaming chair with a TV on some crappy Ikea stand. This is absolute bliss right here. When I see a setup this basic I become even more confident that women invented interior decorating because if I guy had that kind of design control he’d have a house full of bare walls and one goddamn chair in every room… plus a bed with no frame and a flat yellow pillow, of course.

Maybe it stems from our primitive ancestors who wanted to avoid a cluttered cave, or maybe it’s just our sheer laziness and absolute refusal to invest in a couch for other people that takes over when we decide the layout of our living quarters. All I know is that if a guy has anymore than this kind of setup in his place he’s either married or gay. There’s no in between when it comes to being a guy.